


Pieces

by soul_coffee



Category: Dir en grey, Sukekiyo (Band)
Genre: Broken Promises, Established Relationship, Eventual Smut, Friends to Lovers, Hurt No Comfort, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Masturbation, Mutual Pining, Over the Years, Prostitution, Requited Love, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Sex Work, Slow Burn, Vomiting, and they were ROOMMATES
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-03
Updated: 2021-02-14
Packaged: 2021-03-14 15:28:21
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 22,060
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29173410
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/soul_coffee/pseuds/soul_coffee
Summary: Kaoru and Kyo celebrate their birthdays together as every year. Partly, because it’s convenient, partly, because Kyo doesn’t understand why he should celebrate being alive. He doesn’t understand why this is something happy, and he doesn’t understand why Kaoru is happy that he’s there, getting older. Together, at least, at least that, they managed over the years.And so, they take little excursion to the beginnings of their relationship, where their feelings first settled their roots.The short-version (intro & outro) will be found in the collectionPINK.7 – chapter 20–
Relationships: Kaoru/Kyo (Dir en grey), Kaoru/Takumi
Comments: 2
Kudos: 21





	1. The thing about Kyo

**Author's Note:**

> the story part of the first chapter starts very much at the beginning of Diru, the story part of the second chapter around 2011 and the third part takes up in 2012 and ends around 2014/15

That’s the thing about Kyo…

He doesn’t understand why he should celebrate being alive. He doesn’t understand why this is something happy, and he doesn’t understand why Kaoru is happy that he’s there, getting older. Together, at least.  
At least that, they managed over the years.

Kyo wasn’t easy at the beginning. And he wasn’t easy in between.

Cotton, not really like on clouds, the air is thick and some fog is making it hard for Kyo to see through. He coughs again, realises that it’s not weed he has inhaled but a simple cigarette and there is no need to hold his breath.  
The tobacco leaves a burnt taste on his tongue, he doesn’t quite much mind. He gulps it down with some gin.

It’s an exclusive gin, Takumi had brought earlier the day. For Kaoru, and Kaoru hadn’t minded cracking the bottle open and disappearing into the studio again.  
And Kyo hadn’t minded, sitting at his own work desk today. There is nothing special about it anyway. He is just getting older. It is, by all means, annoying, to recall saying a different number now when someone would ask. But who would ask anyway?

Cotton. Soft and pampered, holding him in place. Exactly where Kaoru wants him today. It still leaves Kyo questioning, if he is actually wanted here.  
Today.  
Any other day.  
Is Kaoru avoiding him today on purpose because he knows how uneasy Kyo is on that day and he wants to keep himself safe from the fire?

Kyo doesn’t mind. As long as Kaoru doesn’t come up with some weird shit, he never minds. And if Kaoru avoids him until the minute they’d fall asleep next to each other, no words exchanged, no touches exchanged, not even a breath exchanged, then he’d understand.

Kyo knows he isn’t easy. He wasn’t easy at the beginning and he wouldn’t be easier, the older he’d get. Why did he get older anyway. He feels like he has passed that point. Like any thing had its predetermined breaking point, a little brittle spot that would snap it into pieces.

For as many times as Kyo already scattered in pieces, he sure was well alive. Even his breaking point has flaws it seems and doesn’t work.  
He feels wrong. And being here feels wrong too today.  
And any other day.

Soft steps behind Kyo announce Kaoru’s arrival. Kyo doesn’t bother to look up, and Kaoru doesn’t bother that he’s being ignored. Seemingly, he knows that Kyo hears him, even if he pleads on having bad hearing when he doesn’t WANT to hear some things.

There’s not much for Kaoru to do when this day rolls around. It’s just another page on the calendar that will get ripped off by the dawn of the next day.  
So, he goes up to Kyo and as ever so often, he doesn’t offer him words but his hands. It’s all he has and somehow, so weirdly, his love-language. Kaoru isn’t good at expressing anything with words. His hands are his option, the guitar his tools to let his mind and heart speak.

Kaoru runs his hands cautiously over Kyo’s shoulders, waits if he’d get shooed away or if he could try a bit further until the inevitable rejection would make him retreat.  
But today, Kyo is too tired to fight against this vile fire that licks on the walls of his brain, burns the worst words in his mind.

It’s humiliating in some way for Kyo, how fast he gives in as Kaoru runs his hands over his chest and then rests his hands on his thighs, palms turned upwards. He’s waiting if Kyo wants to join, if he wants to lock this safety between them that’s engraved in his hands.

Kaoru holds back giving Kyo some nudge or a kiss. He doesn’t want to make it seem as if he’d thank him for complying to holding hands. So he just stands there, bowed over Kyo’s crouched body, watching their fingers interlace.

I love you – Kyo wants to say these words. He wants to scream them from the bottom of his lungs and he wants to whisper them like a mantra until the day he’d die. And even then, if Kaoru would get older than him, what Kyo is sure would be the case, then he’d want to leave a note for each and every day Kaoru is still alive without him.  
Because Kyo loves him and he doesn’t even know any words how to tell Kaoru apart from stating it as simple and unelaborate as it is. Because when it comes to that, everything seems so simple and non-drastic.

It’s there, between them, save between their hands.  
Kyo’s mouth stays closed and Kaoru’s hands don’t move.  
And it’s still there.

“How about, tonight you show me, and I tell you.”

“Jeez KAORU! I’ll gift you a haircut for Christmas!” Kyo’s voice echoed through the little bathroom, loud enough that Kaoru heard it over the sizzling of vegetables in the frying pan. Making a face, Kaoru poured in some soy sauce, checked on the rice. He felt like a mother since Kyo had moved in and he failed grandly at being responsible. At least, they finally had some gigs and earned a bit money with their music. It wasn’t easy but okay and having Kyo move in was also a bit okay. But only for as long as he held back fuzzing about Kaoru’s hair. It was in the drain, clogged the sink, was on the floor and thus kept sticking on Kyo’s socks; Kaoru heard it all during the past month since his bandmate had moved in after he left his girlfriend and had to move.  
“Don’t like the blue?” he blurted back, heard water splashing, then some bottles being opened and closed.  
“It looks scary.” More rattling, Kyo used up too much water. They would have to pay more for all the water and heating they needed. And this month Kaoru also had to pay for the studio room they had booked for some hours to record some demos.  
“Don’t be a little bitch like Totchi!” Kaoru grumbled, knocked against the door: “And get out, you use up too much warm water!”  
Promptly the water stopped and Kyo slid the door open, peeked out with wet hair sticking to his face: “Your hair looks good.”  
Kaoru couldn’t stop his eyes from wandering down a bit, stopped on Kyo’s chest before he’d go further and see things he didn’t want to see. With an annoyed glance he turned around, mended the vegetables again. Behind him he could hear Kyo huffing and rambling about the newest song idea.

Kaoru should have never said yes to moving in together. Kyo was too much of a free spirt, also in the sense of clothing. Walking past him, without any clothes on, not even a towel around his hips, the vocalist hummed some melody, went back to the little drawer he had and pulled some clothes out, got dressed.  
“Why don’t you put your hair back when cooking?!” Kyo frowned as he saw how close the blue tips were to the stove. Going up to Kaoru, he lifted his hands and wrapped the long strands in his hand, put them on Kaoru’s back. Flinching, Kaoru hissed and let out an annoyed growl, muttered that he should fuck off and not stand so close when he was cutting something.  
“Smells good.” Kyo snorted amused, let himself flop down on one chair.  
“Hungry?” – “Always!”

Kyo couldn’t and didn’t even want to hide his grin as he traced Kaoru’s silhouette. The older didn’t see his looks anyway, never much bothered when someone stared at him. He was used to people staring, strangers giving him side glances or starting to mutter and whisper when they saw him. And it also happened sometimes already that some older ladies gave him money for food.  
Others, men, much older men, had offered him money too. For a night in their sheets – Kaoru felt a cold shiver running down his spine when he thought about that. What they had offered him, the amount of money and also a warm meal!

A year ago he had given in and went home with one of those men. He was able to pay the rent for three months, for both, his flat and the studio, with just one night. Ever since, he had some times met up with those men, had let his hair grow some more and bought hair dye with the money. A new guitar, it was a birthday present to himself for doing this, for closing his eyes and shutting up and getting it done.

If Kyo also had gotten such offers?  
Kaoru turned around with the pot and stared back at his bandmate. Did he know?  
“What you looking at?!” he shot back with a repellent tone, cold and harsh. Immediately Kyo rolled his eyes and leaned back, bent his knees and pulled them tighter to his body, watched Kaoru putting all dishes on the table.  
“God, relax! You need to get laid or else you’ll turn into an underfucked pest soon!” Kyo hissed, lifted the chopsticks and poked in the pot before picking out some tofu pieces and filling his bowl with soup.  
“I’m not underfucked?!” Kaoru gave back, sat down too, kicked on Kyo’s chair to make him sit like a normal human being. In vain. Kyo rolled his eyes, lifted a piece of the fine cut tofu and laid it tentatively on his tongue before he closed his mouth and chewed on it.  
“Then you’ve seriously never had good sex!” Kyo shrugged his shoulder.  
“I’ve had good sex!” Kaoru grumbled lowly, thought back to when he really had sex the last time. Too long, too much time had passed since he last was in some kind of intimate situation with someone else that also brought pleasure to him.  
“Yeah, 500 years ago!” Kyo joked, lifted his bowl and slurped in some soup, watched Kaoru as he stared upwards with a neutral but very annoyed expression. Whenever Kaoru was looking like that, it meant that he was so done with a topic or someone. Kyo knew best because it was the same exact expression he had the last three months in their old band before they kicked out Kisaki and reformed anew with Toshiya.  
“Sometimes I really want you to shut up.” Kaoru said, put another piece of broccoli in his mouth and chewed on it, shook his head.  
“Oh make me…!” Kyo moaned, grinned as he saw Kaoru flinching and choking at his statement.  
“I’m trying to EAT!” Kaoru huffed, scrunched his nose and pressed his eyes close. Kyo, grandly amused by Kaoru’s rigid and prude manner, chuckled, then: “You could eat me!”  
“We’re bandmates! And friends!” Kaoru frowned, was confused and also annoyed by Kyo's statements. Sure, his bandmate was always someone to make stupid sexual jokes or mock the others, but it was annoying and in Kaoru’s eyes inappropriate while eating.  
“So? Aren’t friends to help each other out?” Kyo was mocking him, clearly playing and Kaoru felt like a little teenager next to him, not being that kind of confident and quick-witted as Kyo. But well, he was their vocalist after all and Kaoru usually the one who did serious business talk.  
“Oh fuck you.” Kaoru mumbled, had no counter back. He was tired and wanted to take a shower too and then go to bed just to wake up early the next morning, go to work again and then head straight to the studio for rehearsal.  
“Why don’t you fuck me?” Kyo shot back grinning, knew exactly how much he provoked Kaoru with such statements. But he loved to do this, loved to provoke the usually so tensed up and prude leader. Did he even touch himself or was showering also just a thing he did as fast as possible? Was he maybe still a virgin and saying he had already had good sex a blatant lie just to have a bit peace of mind from Kyo?  
With a deep sigh Kaoru stood up and took his bowl and chopsticks and went to his room, leaving Kyo sitting in the kitchen alone. The grin turned into an annoyed grimace and Kyo nodded to himself. Maybe he had gone a bit too far, but Kaoru was nothing but tensed up and angry and too easily annoyed with anything.

Kaoru hadn’t come out of his room again on that evening and as it was getting late, Kyo had put away the food and cleaned up. At least, he could do this and help a bit in the household. Propping himself on the small couch in the living room, he zipped through the tv channels, had the volume low. Some horror movie had started, looked gross enough to have it as background noise running.  
Kyo took up his notebook, wanted to rewrite some passages that he had started to put into words lately. Sometimes it seemed so hard to find the fitting words and other times he could write and write and thought he’d never stop until his hands would fall off. If it was the same for Kaoru too? Some days he heard him play the guitar all day long. When he locked himself in his room to have a bit privacy.  
Maybe that was, what annoyed the guitarist? The lack of privacy. Since Kyo had moved in a month ago, Kaoru didn’t really experience much privacy apart from locking himself in his small room. At least, he had a room and wasn’t stay put in the middle of the flat on the couch as Kyo was. Well, Kyo was thankful that he had a place to stay and wasn’t humiliated by moving back to his parents.

The later it got, the more Kyo got tired and… horny. The words didn’t seem to make any sense today and Kaoru had interrupted him while he was in the shower. As the flat was really small, the bathroom was directly next to the kitchen, only a small and thin sliding door separated the two rooms. Getting a bit intimate in here always had a bit of a thrill for Kyo as there was nothing really to close. The toilet was in the bathroom too and the door didn’t even have some sort of lock. What for anyway, Kaoru never thought he’d find himself in a situation to have some other person over.  
Glancing back at the door to Kaoru’s room, Kyo clicked the volume on the tv a bit higher, let his hand slide down between his legs.

The first moans got drowned out by the noises of the movie, the blanket over his bent legs hid his movements. Kyo sped up, felt precum on his tip already every time he let his thumb run over it. Applying more pressure made him moan louder, quickly biting his lip and throwing his head back to check on Kaoru’s room door. No light, no handle that got tilted downwards. And no angry face that would start blaming him for making so much noise in the middle of the night. Sure, Kaoru had work, had to get up early and leave when it was dark. Especially lately he was angry a lot because it was dark when he left the flat and it was dark when he came back home.  
Kyo hated this kind of season, when he wasn’t sure how late it was and now it didn’t matter anyway when he’d woke up because he currently had no job, thus causing this weird situation. But even IF he would have a job, he couldn’t pay so much rent anyway to have his own flat. How much Kaoru actually paid for the rent?

Kyo let out a frustrated and angry huff, didn’t want to think about finances, rent, other people. And with other people, he didn’t want to think about Kaoru! Not, when he was touching himself while some white girl got slaughtered on screen, cried voicelessly.  
Looking at the screen, closing his eyes again for some more seconds when they showed worms and other bugs crawling over a corpse, Kyo sped up, pursed his lips when moans tried to escape his mouth. Apparently someone got murdered while he was at Kaoru in his mind. If he was doing the same right now or earlier? Something in Kyo twitched, he jerked his hips forward into his hand, gave himself some more forceful pumps. He was curious if Kaoru…  
A muffled outcry, Kyo felt his warm cum dripping over his fingers, staining the blanket. He’d have to wash it the next morning after Kaoru would leave for work so he wouldn’t ask weird question. The last time Kyo had shot back that he got food stains on it from a midnight snack, felt embarrassed because the older one would for sure made it look as if masturbating was something bad and forbidden. He probably really didn’t touch himself or only while showering.

Thinking about the devil seemingly made him pop up right behind Kyo. Panting heavily, Kaoru peeked out from his room, squinted his eyes and asked with a sleepy voice if everything was alright, he thought he heard a cry. Now, blinking against the bright tv lights, Kaoru ran his hand over his face once more, had no glasses on.  
“Sorry! I – uh, it’s a horror movie!” Kyo blabbered, shoved the blanket higher up, then asked if he should mute it.  
“Don’t you want to sleep?!” Kaoru hissed back, pressed his eyes shut again at the bright screen images and the flashing lights that appeared.  
“Hm I….” Kyo stared back at the screen. The movie had restarted apparently, the intro song played and the actors got introduced: “I missed the beginning, gonna watch it now and then turn off.”  
Kaoru huffed, his eyes slowly getting used to the brightness: “What’s the movie about?”  
“Horror. The girl gets murdered half way in. Don’t know why.”  
Kaoru nodded, hadn’t found any sleep and was much too rigid to go back to bed again. So he went back to his nightstand and lifted up his glasses, went back out.  
“Mind if I…?” he left it unfinished, crouched down on the floor on the end of the couch. Kyo pursed his lips shoved his legs closer and silently, as slow and inconspicuous he could, slid up his boxer pants again.

Great. That one time Kaoru wasn’t trying to scold him or was angry and apparently wanted some company Kyo had his own cum sticking on his fingers and the blanket.

After some minutes, Kyo not paying any attention at the movie at all, Kaoru put his chin to a rest on his knees, stared at the tv silently. What if Kyo just got up to the toilet, quickly wash his hands. At least that! He wasn’t keen on sitting put the next two hours like this. As silent as he could, he shoved the blanket a bit aside, looked back down on his pants and checked if there weren’t too many obvious traces of what he had done right the minute before Kaoru came out of his room.  
“You… you want some water too?” Kyo asked as he went to the kitchen, slid the bathroom door close quickly.  
“Not too cold please.” Kaoru gave back, was fully concentrated on the movie. It wasn’t bad and he hadn’t seen that one although he knew quite a lot of horror movies.  
Mumbling a ‘sure’ back, Kyo filled two glasses of water and got himself a little portion from the vegetable soup warm, went back to the couch again.  
Kaoru thanked Kyo, then scrunched his nose as he saw the steaming bowl. He had thought the vocalist made some tea warm in the microwave, but not food. Not in the middle of the night!  
“How can you EAT now?” Kaoru asked, sipped from the water. Kyo shrugged his shoulder, said he was hungry. He always got hungry or tired after jerking off, but that, Kaoru didn’t need to know.  
Maybe that was, why Kaoru was so thin? Because he had no hunger, no appetite. Apart from work and music, he quite much had no motivation to do anything else. Also, bluntly said, because he had no energies for anything else.

As the end credits started rolling down on the screen, Kaoru got up, scared Kyo from the sudden movement, and said his good night. It was past four in the morning and Kyo, who had thought that the guitarist had been sleeping, was now much too awake to go to bed. Kaoru hadn’t moved one centimetre the past hour and he was scarily silent during the movie.

The last two weeks until Christmas Day passed faster than Kyo had imagined. Even though he had no work, he occupied himself, tried to work here and there when he walked around in the city, got a bit money, sometimes food for charity help.  
Kaoru had been at work every day, even on Saturdays or in the evenings he was gone, returned back home late, sometimes even after midnight. They prepared the releases of their first VHS. Shinya and Kyo packed the boxes and got them ready for Die to bring them to the post office to send them away. After all, it was a nice Christmas present, therefore Kaoru was keen on having them sent away before Christmas or have Toshiya distribute those orders, that were near and he could reach by foot or public transport.

Coordinating those four kids – in Kaoru’s eyes he felt more like their kindergartener – made Kaoru slowly but steadily loose his focus and he almost forgot one appointment he had a couple days before the 24th.  
Checking the time again and telling Shinya and Kyo to speed up, Kaoru packed his jacket, said his good bye and left the studio room where they had been working all day already.

“Is he having… a date?!” Shinya asked fearful, watched the long blue hair swaying behind Kaoru’s back.  
“Date?!” Kyo shot back and snorted, shook his head: “It’s more likely he’ll meet up with his dead grandma than see a girl his age!”  
Another box folded and packed, ready for Die to put in his bag for the walk to the post office. Shinya looked over to Die, who pursed his lips, not spilling one word or even daring to laugh, then turned towards Kyo and scolded him: “That’s a nasty thing to say about our leader!”  
“But it’s true! He’s always so tensed up and works so much. He doesn’t even have time for anyone else!” Kyo squealed, rubbed his face to get his thoughts straight. Kaoru was at work all the time or did errands. His workplace wasn’t even that far from the flat, his commute was by max half an hour when it was really busy.  
“Maybe he just doesn’t want this now? It’s not always about sex…” Die muttered. He had been single since half a year and it honestly felt good for him. There were nights he missed having someone else, not even in a sexual way, but just for talking and sharing everyday life things.  
“Oh c’mooon Die!” Kyo groaned and rolled his eyes: “He probably had as much sex as Shinya here!”  
Immediately Shinya jumped on his chair as he heard his name being said. The paper slipped his fingers and the box he was about to wrap fell back in his lap.  
“Leave the kids be…!” Die huffed back lowly, knew that Shinya and Toshiya were too young for this kind of talk. They ALL were basically still kids trying to grow up and following a dream.  
“Kaoru needs to get laid!” Kyo insisted, stared back at Die who gave him a dismissive glance: “With YOU in the same flat I also wouldn’t bring anyone home!”  
“Oh fuck you! Why don’t YOU go and fuck our leader so he stops being so angry!” the empty water bottle flew across the room, was too light and landed perfectly in Die’s hand who twisted around swiftly to put it in the waste bin.  
“You are the one being angry here now.” Die stated, got up to leave one last time for the post office before it would close for the day.  
“That’s the true Christmas Spirit! Packing up presents, sex talk, the older ones are fighting…!” Shinya sighed, watched the blood slowly run down his finger before he lifted his hand and asked Die for help. He could for the sake of it not see blood and was glad that he sat while packing the boxes.  
“Tsk… shit, come here under the water!” Die sighed, got Shinya up and washed his hand, looked around for some first-aid kit. That was exactly what they all needed!  
“Kyo can you go to the post office before they close!” Die asked, got an angry puff back: “No, fuck you. I’m off for today.”

Kaoru had neither returned to the studio that evening, nor home. Kyo had sat put on the couch, waiting, being unbearably tensed up, awaiting the moment the older one would lock open the door and scream at him for not finishing today’s work. Or anything else. Kyo was sure that Die would go and tell Kaoru what he had said about him.  
Then again, Kyo had said nastier things directly in Kaoru’s face already.  
As the next day came around, Die’s birthday, Kaoru still hadn’t returned. Not really bothering anymore Kyo got up and prepared some breakfast, saw a rather full fridge and was happy to get something warm in his body before he’d go to sleep. He didn’t want to leave the house until the minutes before he’d go to Die’s birthday party. They would celebrate in the studio room in the evening after both guitarists would return from work. They were the only ones who had work after all. Shinya still lived with his parents, Toshiya was with his brother and they got financial support from their parents. And Kyo, well, he was messing around.

With everything and everyone it seemed. Just as he woke up from a nap after lunch, he heard low hissing and mumbles from the kitchen. Immediately he was fully awake, ready to wield off a burglar. Leaping over the couch and jumping straight up to the kitchen he spotted Kaoru’s coat being draped over one of the chairs. It was drained in cigarette smoke, looked wet too.  
“Where have you been?” Kyo asked, figured Kaoru would be in the bathroom as the door was slid close.  
“Work.”  
Kyo rolled his eyes, muttered ‘of course’ as he walked out to the entry and hanged the coat.  
“The whole night?” Kyo asked with a grin and went back to the kitchen. The water in the shower started, he heard some mumbles from the bathroom.  
“Evening shift and morning shift. Figured I could just stay there already.” Kaoru panted, shoved the shower cubicle doors aside and got under the stream, washed himself off every grease and dirt he felt sticking on his body.

He felt so greasy. No amount of shampoo would get him clean again, even if he’d scrub off his whole skin and drink a whole bottle of mouth wash, he’d never feel clean again.  
What he had done was dirty, his whole body was stained and he felt like he deserved it.  
He could have also asked Kyo to pay a bit rent or at least for the food, should have made a clear plan for their expanses they had with the whole music production instead of always paying up for it and waving it off. He couldn’t go and ask Shinya to ‘pay his part’ for the studio! He still lived with his parents and Die himself had to deal with his own flat.  
Opening his mouth, he swallowed down some water, rinsed his hair, gulped some more water. With a swift motion he slapped his hair back, held it with one hand while he pressed his other hand in front of his lips, bowed forward. He couldn’t stand having this in his stomach, couldn’t stand knowing it was in his body. Better get rid of it, Kaoru thought, shoved two fingers down his throat and felt immediate burning from the stomach acid as the fluids got up his throat again, tainted the white tiles in a muddy yellow. The remnants of his little lunch came up too, got flushed down the drain.  
Kaoru needed to have it all gone, couldn’t keep this down. Hopefully Kyo didn’t hear this. But Kaoru could so care less right in this moment, wanted to be showered and get some rest before they would head to the studio to celebrate Die’s birthday.

Sitting was still painful even if the seats on the bus were cushioned and the swaying felt a bit like being rocked to sleep. Kaoru held back a sigh, wriggled himself tighter in his coat, hid behind the scarf. Even if it wasn’t that cold he was freezing, Kaoru only had one slice of bread after he had come back home and got ready again. He shouldn’t drink too much tonight.  
“You okay?” Kyo asked cautiously. He had seen how tired Kaoru was after the shower, how drained off energies he seemed. Holding the present tightly, Kaoru nodded vigorously, offered Kyo a quick smile before he turned his face to the window again, couldn’t see anything anyway as it was dark already.

It was dark for the past four hours already and Kaoru wanted nothing more than to go to bed. One hour or two celebrating, eating a bit cake and drinking one can of beer. Then Kaoru would make a short trip to one of the better suited flats and return back home hopefully before midnight and have a bit peace of mind. At least, for another few days.  
Those visits got more and more over the past months and as glad Kaoru was about the extra money, he had to pay the toll for sleeping less, for feeling used and dirty, for not standing to look at himself anymore in the mirror. He didn’t even know how he looked like right now, what a mess his hair probably was.

“Hey! Oh, you look tired already! Time to get you some drinks!” Die greeted them with a bright smile, pulled Kaoru in a tight hug and patted his shoulder. For a short moment he leaned onto his bandmate, closed his eyes and felt the warm body pressing against his chest. How good this felt, knowing it was only this innocent touch and nothing more.  
“Ya…. You alright, Kao?” Die asked with a bit of a lower voice, shoved him back again to look in his face. Quickly Kaoru waved it off, said that work had been a lot and exhausting lately.  
To some point it was the truth, it also was work.

“Your present!” Kaoru nodded and lifted the little bag. Promptly Die’s eyes widened and his mouth gaped open. He hadn’t expected ANY present at ALL and now being gifted with something – he didn’t even care what it was, the thought of gifting him something was enough already to make him tear up.  
“Oh Kao! What? WHY? You didn’t need to buy something!” Die stuttered and sat back on one of the chairs, opened the bag and pulled out a nicely wrapped present.  
“Uh! What you got?!” Toshiya giggled, leaned forward and was curious what the leader got for their bandmate. Kyo got himself a can of beer too, settled on a chair and watched Die unpack the present with still this so bright and heart warming smile.  
“What is this?” Shinya asked confused as he stared in Die’s hands where a little black piece laid.  
“Oh my GOD Kao!” Die blurted out loud and jumped up. He stared between his hands and Kaoru, then almost cried, let out a suppressed pant and leaped forward, pulled the other guitarist in his arms.  
“This is real love!” Toshiya fluted, snatched for the wrapping and explained Shinya that it was a part of an electric guitar and Die happened to have destroyed his pickup before recording. Of course Kaoru had borrowed him his own guitar but it had meant no spontaneous lives and recording under pressure and never together.  
“Aren’t they like… super expensive?!” Toshiya scrunched his nose as Die sank back down again and handed it over to the bassist, who also used similar pickups. Kaoru rolled his eyes and waved it off, said they would need it anyway for further work.  
“You know how to get them in?” Kaoru grinned jokingly got a wink with the eye and a joking ‘a helping hand never hurt’ back from Die.

“Alright then, that was at… around three, right?” Kyo frowned and pressed the receiver closer. It was much too cold and the cabin of the pay phone wasn’t fully closed so the crispy winter breeze was freezing Kyo’s legs off while he felt like he would have to push the receiver into his ear to actually hear Die speaking on the other end.  
“Uh yeah. He didn’t return then?” Die asked curiously, knew about Kaoru’s part time job of course. He had weird time schedules sometimes but Die too had already had jobs with the oddest times and sometimes he felt like his boss told him whatever time he felt up for without real plan.  
“Nah, he also didn’t mention anything ‘bout going to his parents over Christmas, right?” – “Not to me or while studio time!” – “It’s so off…”  
Kyo bit his lips, picked on them until he tasted blood spreading on them, licked over them quickly. That he could get so worried about someone else! How old was he, what kind of flimsy teenage crush he gave off here… Kyo rolled his eyes about his own weird feelings.  
“Look. I found his work schedule, he had no work planned yesterday.” Kyo was persistent. He knew something was off and in the bad way off.  
“Eh, a second job then? Or a girlfriend he’s afraid to show us?” Die waved it off. Kaoru wasn’t secretive per se, just, thought longer about sharing info with others when it wasn’t music that occupied his mind. Die could only recall that one time he had asked Kaoru what his favourite kind of ramen was and he had to wait half a year for an answer and by then he had already forgotten having asked Kaoru!  
It was curry and tomato, and Kaoru had feared that Die would laugh about this or mock him. All Die did then, when he finally knew, was laugh for real, and buy some for their longer evenings in the studio.  
“Nah, maybe a boyfriend? Being gay isn’t that of a thing here…” Kyo scrunched his nose but got a prompt snort and laughter back form Die: “I’d KNOW that!”  
“Why would YOU know this and I don’t? I live with him!” Kyo squealed loudly, felt much more likely to know this than Die. Even if the two guitarists were hanging out often or jamming a lot in the studio, that again was something personal that Kaoru didn’t bring into the band.  
“Kyo… I’m gay! I sense this!” Die blurted into the phone and laughed even louder, cursed a bit about telling him this so openly.  
“Pfff!” Kyo let out and wheezed: “Have you tried?!”  
“Kao? Nope.” – “But?” – “Uh, Toto.” – “And?” – “Eh… I haven’t come far, but he seems to, well at least swing both ways I think.” – “Ha, shit!”  
Kyo couldn’t help but laugh at what a mess this band actually was. And Shinya, he was pure and innocent and a child still. Hopefully Die wouldn’t try any weird shit on their bassist, they couldn’t lose him and look for a new one. The process from getting Kisaki away and forming Diru with Toshiya had been much too exhausting for Kyo to ever do this again or form a new band. Never ever would he do this again.  
“Time’s up. Gonna go back home and wait if he returns.” Kyo sighed then and said his good byes to Die.  
“Right, take care Kyo, watch out for Kaoru, he’s got me worried a bit lately.” Die sighed and then they hang up and Kyo went back to the flat, was greeted by emptiness.

Kyo didn’t much know what to do with himself so he wrote some more texts, drew some figures on the sides of the paper. He took a shower, washed the cutlery, went to Kaoru’s room if he was there, sleeping maybe because he returned while Kyo had called Die. But he wasn’t there.  
And so Kyo watched some tv, cleaned up the crumbs underneath the couch, took a nap, jerked off and got himself some food.

It was late in the evening, felt like it was in the middle of the night because it had been dark outside for some hours already, when Kaoru finally returned. But the way he did return, was as concerning as the way he walked and looked like.  
Like a ghost, pale, wet, his hair drained from snow or rain. With a rather crushed posture Kaoru dragged his body through the flat, didn’t bother that Kyo pretty much stared at him without saying a word because his mouth was too occupied with hanging open.

As the steps finally stopped, somewhere in the bathroom apparently, it dawned Kyo – he came back! But that short moment of realisation was quickly interrupted by the sound of someone throwing up.  
“Kao!” immediately Kyo jumped up from the couch where he had been glued onto and he ran up to the bathroom where he found Kaoru bent over the toilet, emptying not very much of his stomach contents.  
“Kao, what is, what ha- “ before Kyo could finish his question Kaoru hissed, waved him away sloppily. His arm was shaking, his legs trembled as another wave rolled over him and his body fought to get anything up. Dark brown bile spilled over Kaoru’s lips, dripped into the toilet bowl.  
“Kaoru…” Kyo whined and walked up with a regretful expression on his face. What had him worked up like this? There was nothing in his body to get rid of?  
Kyo stepped closer to take a look if there as some odd remnants of food in the toilet bowl that caused his bandmate, and flatmate, to throw up like this. Once again Kaoru cawed and wanted Kyo gone but in vain, he had too little energies to really push the younger one away.  
There also was nothing really in the white ceramic that would give Kyo a hint that Kaoru had gotten some foul or spoiled dish.  
“What is it?” Kyo asked and started rubbing over Kaoru’s back as another wave of nausea made him tremble.  
“Don’t touch me!” Kaoru pressed out through gritted teeth, opened his mouth again but nothing came out this time.  
“Sh… hey…shhhh…” Kyo soothed him a bit, let his hand rest in the small of Kaoru’s back nevertheless. He was trembling too much that Kyo would let go of him now and risk that he’d tumble and hurt himself.  
“Come, sit down in the shower, you are wet and ice cold…. Have you been sleeping in the snow?” Kyo asked and tried to get Kaoru over to the shower, placed the shower head next to Kaoru so he could take his time, getting undressed and washing himself.  
“Get out of those wet clothes, you’ll catch a cold.” Kyo tried to get Kaoru going, couldn’t stand seeing him like this. It was cruel to watch and even more cruel not knowing what had happened.  
“Get the fuck out of this room.” Kaoru hissed with his last energies before he put his head to a rest on his knees and finally wriggled himself out of his cardigan, heard Kyo shoving close the door between them.  
“I’m out here, I won’t come in unless you call for me.” Kyo offered. Silently he leaned forward, pressed his forehead against the thin door, pursed his lips.

Kaoru had left the flat yesterday after an early lunch because he helped Die get his new pickup in the guitar and then, around three apparently, he had left the studio. To where, neither Kyo nor Die knew and it wasn’t work unless Kaoru’s boss also re-scheduled all the time or he did more hours that Kyo didn’t know about and weren’t on his work schedule that Kyo found in the kitchen.  
But this all made no sense and didn’t explain why Kaoru came back a whole day and a half later and was throwing up nothing but bile.

About an hour later Kaoru stepped out of the bathroom, felt a bit refreshed. His hair was wet, again, but wrapped in a towel and Kyo had taken himself the right to go into Kaoru’s room and provide him with clothes.  
Wrapped up in a long and cosy cardigan Kyo had picked along with other fluffy and cosy clothing, Kaoru sank down on the chair in the kitchen, got a cup of warm tea and a worried glance from Kyo.  
“You know… whatever it is, you don’t have to tell me, but know, we’ll find a solution, yeah? You’re okay as you are, right.”  
It was all Kyo could offer as he realised how crushed and drained Kaoru was. The last piece that was still holding Kaoru together seemed to snap at the words, at the acceptance that Kyo brought towards him and he sank his face into his hands, took a deep breath before the first tears started to run over his cheeks.  
“Hey…it’s okay.” Kyo whispered and walked up to Kaoru to see if he could lay a hand on his shoulder. Kyo wasn’t the most sensitive person, didn’t know how to properly offer comfort without making it seem sarcastic or mocking.  
“You wanna… lay down? Rest a bit?” Kyo proposed and luckily Kaoru nodded, sobbed some more but got up from the chair and trotted over to his room, left the door open and waited for Kyo to follow. Of course Kyo kept close, made sure that Kaoru really laid down in his bed and not flopped on the floor.  
“Can you stay?” Kaoru’s voice was only a fearful gasp and Kyo flinched back in the first moment as he realised how HURT and in pain Kaoru must have been to request such a thing.  
“I had no intention to leave.” Kyo spoke confidently and sat down on the mattress, pulled the blanket over Kaoru’s still shaking body. Gently he patted his shoulder, rested his hand there and after some minutes Kaoru lifted his hand too, laid it over Kyo’s as if he wanted to make sure it stayed there.  
“I’m here, I’m right here.” Kyo spoke soft, pushed some of the damp hair strands out of Kaoru’s face and from underneath his back.  
“You’re gonna get all soaked up again, come, get that hair away…” Kyo frowned and pulled Kaoru up in a sitting position again. As if he was a little child that needed care and Kyo wanted to care for him as Kaoru also had taken him into his home and taken care of him.  
“Kyo…” Kaoru spit out his name, shivered again as he felt Kyo’s hands running over his back, holding the long hair up.  
“I’mma braid them, looks stupid I know.” Kyo muttered and pushed Kaoru’s body a bit forward until he quite much leaned against Kyo’s shoulder.  
“Kyo, I – “ Kaoru’s voice failed him and he gulped on nothing, didn’t even know how he should say, if he should let Kyo know. But he couldn’t make Kyo face this without any explanation and he also couldn’t live with this anymore.  
Maybe Kyo understood, maybe he didn’t, maybe he was grossed out and would be gone within the next two minutes.

“I get paid for having sex.” For a second it was much too silent. Even the noises from outside held their breath and waited for Kaoru to say more.  
“I was… I was off for this yesterday. And the night.” He spoke, felt Kyo’s hand pulling on his hair again, taking on braiding apparently.  
“Kyo, I… they fuck me, and pay me.” Kaoru pressed out, wanted that Kyo would stop and tell him it was gross and that Kaoru was gross and not right and that he shouldn’t be alive and that he was a disgrace and should never contact him ever again and the band was no place for him.  
“They fuck me, basically rape my and I come back to them again, for the money.”  
“Stop talking.”  
Kyo finished braiding, heard Kaoru sobbing silently, shaking against his shoulder. With a deep breath Kyo placed his hands on Kaoru’s shoulders and pushed him back a bit to see his face.  
Was this real? Kyo couldn’t really ask this because he felt that this was very much the truth but Kaoru stated it, as if prostitution was something so horrible and loathsome as if Kaoru as no human anymore but only a thing others used.  
“If you want me to leave, then tell me. The truth won’t make me run away.”  
Another wave of excruciating pain made Kaoru tremble in Kyo’s tight grip. Tears kept streaming down his hollowed out cheeks.  
“Why don’t you just leave and tell the others and are disgusted!” Kaoru spit out as he felt the grip not lessening.  
“That’s easy.” Kyo huffed with a wry smile. In Kyo’s eyes there was nothing wrong in prostitution or earning money in that way. As long as it wasn’t humiliating. But Kaoru was humiliating himself with this and that was something, Kyo couldn’t take an for the first time in his life a kind of anger roared up in him that burnt him down whole, ripped him apart in a million thousand pieces.  
“I won’t leave you.” Kyo stated, hoped this was enough for now and the look Kaoru gave him told him, it was maybe all the other man needed to hear.

With a bit force Kyo pushed Kaoru back into the mattress again, kept their eyes locked as he pulled the blanket over him again and then laid down next to him. The light from the living room was a last source that lit up Kaoru’s silhouette, left more shadows than Kyo wanted to see. So he lifted his hand, traced down Kaoru’s forehead, his cheeks to his jawline, felt what he hadn’t realised had happened since he moved in and saw Kaoru every day.  
One could easily turn a blind eye on things changing right in front of them when presented by a situation every day.  
“Can you promise me one thing. Never touch me. Never touch me in a way you wouldn’t touch a normal friend. I know how this scene is, that everyone fucks everyone basically. I don’t – I can’t lose you to this.” Kaoru whispered and prayed, prayed with all his might that he could trust Kyo. Because Kyo was the only one he would let come any closer from everyone he knew. Not even Die with whom he hung out more often was someone Kaoru would let close. But Kyo, when it came to Kyo, Kaoru was at loss, how close or how far he was and Kaoru feared, that he had already let him get too close.  
But right now, he needed this kind of closeness, craved it even.  
“I promise you. I’ll never get any closer than you want. Maybe a pat on the shoulder when we’re on stage.” Kyo said, retreated his hand again but then Kaoru gasped, grabbed for it: “Can you hold me?”  
Kyo offered Kaoru a soft smile, took a last deep breath before he sank into the mattress top, wrapped his arm around Kaoru’s still shaking body.  
Kaoru couldn’t even thank him. For taking those words, for letting Kaoru say them for a little bit, for still being here and for being there to hold him. Letting him know, how much he was there, Kyo squeezed Kaoru’s shoulder, wanted him to relax his tensed up muscles so he could find some rest. As he felt it was in vain anyway to sleep, Kyo rather wanted to watch over Kaoru sleeping.

Kaoru had drifted off, woken up and fell asleep again a couple times, nuzzled himself against Kyo, shivered, cried for some minutes until the exhaustion ripped him into sleep again. At some point Kyo started humming and lowly singing a lullaby he recalled his mother had sung for him when he was starting with school and had been afraid of his classmates and the teachers.

The world out there was scary, and there were too many greedy people that took and took, more than they were granted. Kyo knew that Kaoru was a person who’d give selflessly to those he cared about. That, he knew because Kyo himself was lucky to be one of those he cared about, had given him shelter and even more.  
Trust. Trust with something so intimate and so humiliating in Kaoru’s eyes, that he feared waking up the next day and looking in Kyo’s eyes, seeing the disgust in them that he could never erase.

“Kaoru?” at some point, Kyo felt that the older one was awake, was much too stiff and tensed up again. Gently he stroked over Kaoru’s head, crawled the by now dried up hair and his scalp.  
“I’ll never leave your side, this is a promise." He needed him to know, that not only would he respect him but he’ll always be there and give, what Kaoru had offered without second thought.

It was a promise, that wouldn’t break, and that was the thing about Kyo.


	2. The thing about Kaoru

Kaoru’s eyelids were heavy, so heavy and not even from staring at the tv screen for almost two hours by now after a long day of work. But because he got himself a bit too worked up about his evening.  
Takumi had invited him over to watch some documentary movie about one of his favourite musicians and now, sitting so close together, feeling Takumi’s presence in the sense of their shoulders brushing, worked Kaoru up more than he wanted to admit. Because it felt good. Good as in, it felt right, like the right thing to happen between two people. So, they both were men? Kaoru knew some men who were in a same-sex relationship. It was nothing that caused his stomach to revolt and neither was it forbidden or loathsome, dirty. It had taken Kaoru quite many years to shove his memories aside and let something else grow over his past.  
“Hey…” Takumi offered Kaoru a soft smile as he realised that his fellow guitarist seemed caught up in some headspace.  
“Ah… sorry…” Kaoru muttered, bit his lip like some teenage girl: “Got dragged away for a moment.”  
“I noticed.” Again Takumi smiled, let out a soft chuckle and pushed one of the sleek hair strands aside that were hiding Kaoru’s face. Was that a blush on his cheeks?  
“Should I put something lighter on?” he proposed as he didn’t want that evening to end yet already and Kaoru agreed, wanted to sit next to Takumi a little longer.

It was oddly overwhelming working with Takumi. Not only because he too brought his own experience into the band, but he also brought expertise and professional knowledge with him from his studies. And yet, he always took a step back, let Kaoru take the lead, because after all, he was the leader and main composer for Diru.  
Asking Takumi for advice, in music terms, when being the main composer actually, was leaving Kaoru more than flustered. Takumi always replied in soft words, talked about diverse options and offered Kaoru deeper insight. Sometimes even more than he wanted and then he could even less decide on something he was so sure about in first place and just needed a second opinion.  
Takumi not only provided Kaoru neutral feedback and offered support wherever he could – and he was one of the most able musicians Kaoru had so far encountered – he always showed greatest respect towards Kaoru and his bandmates.  
After good over a year Takumi finally accepted to call Kaoru simply by his name and stop using any honorifics. It felt too weird in Kaoru’s opinion, and should be vice versa then.

The other, on a personal matter, overwhelming thing about Takumi was his effortless elegance. There was no way to express this any differently and every time the younger man joined for studio sessions, Kaoru felt underdressed, unprofessional even. He was sitting there in mere jeans and some old washed out bandshirt, on good days.  
Takumi always took a note of the diverse metal or rock bands from which Kaoru had shirts on and asked about his opinion on them.

Their chats came natural, light and filled Kaoru with new ideas, gave him space to go back on his thoughts and not be confronted with new stuff. As much as they wanted to evolve and find a new sound, were working quite much towards this new sound, reworking older works for a mini album, Kaoru couldn’t help but stay in this past, that he carried on his back.

Unmistakably heavy some days when they were faced with old problems that they thought were solved already but apparently only shoved into a far away future. And that far away future happened to be quite much around now.

Leaving it uncommented, Kaoru watched Kyo pass him by in their changing room. His skin was glistening from various fluids; sweat, saliva, beer someone smuggled on stage, most likely Toshiya, water, blood. For a second Kyo looked out, over his shoulder back to the leader, if he saw it. If there was something in his eyes, a question maybe? Should Kyo explain, justify? Did Kaoru actually care and care so much to ask, because he wanted to know?  
Kaoru’s face was turned towards the mirror, following his own silhouette as he wriggled out of his stage outfit. To leave, fast. Of course he didn’t look, stare. Kaoru had seen enough already and somehow Kyo felt bad for making him see all this and more, and somehow Kyo wanted that Kaoru would ask, would point it out and not always ACCEPT it.  
Did he even accept it or just take it because… well, looking for another singer was too much of a hassle and Kyo didn’t really hurt himself in a way that would affect their tours and other schedules.

With fast movements, so internalised that it almost hurt on another level, Kyo watched Kaoru change and pack up his belongings and then leave the backstage room. From the hallway he heard Takumi’s voice, clearly addressing the leader about something that happened behind the stage during their live.  
There probably was something off with some sound setting that Kyo could care less but Kaoru cared too much.

That problem, of technical matter, was pushing Kaoru away from spending the evening together with his bandmates and rather discussing the issue on the tour bus with the roadies and Takumi. Of course Takumi was close with Kaoru, they worked on the sound set ups and Takumi always gave him honest feedback on the things they could work on. Never did he bother the leader with issues that were not changeable, it was a waste of time and energies and would only make Kaoru lose focus on what was important. That was, what Takumi had explained to Kyo when he had asked him one time, why he didn’t tell Kaoru about one of Shinya’s cymbals being damaged. There was no reason to make it a topic as it was too late to organise one, one hour before their live and Shinya had quickly found a solution and presented it to Kaoru without troubling him.

That was, what Kaoru respected and was grateful for. There was a lot going on and not being bothered by every problem was a relief. Takumi simply helped him keep focus on what they could do. Even Die had found himself on the verge of crying because some set up was off with one of his guitars and he didn’t know how to proceed and it was for Takumi to calm him down and make him move on the best way possible.

They were all grateful for Takumi being such a supportive part that the lack of support for Kyo, simply because there was nothing Takumi actually COULD help him with apart from plugging the microphone cable to the amps, was nagging on the vocalist. Neither could Takumi help him, nor could Kyo help Kaoru. The most he did when it came to Kaoru, was push him away by being that ugly being, that he felt he was on the inside.

Scratching over the patch that was over a fresh wound, Kyo couldn’t help but feel a nervous and jealous pang running through his body as he watched Kaoru and Takumi chatting lightly, both seemingly relaxed.  
“Hey, Kao, come here! Feeling better? All problems solved?” Toshiya shouted and waved for Kaoru and Takumi to come and join them on the table. There was enough beer and still some snacks and Takumi thankfully took a glass of beer, shoved it over to Kaoru who seemed to hold back.  
“It wasn’t that much of a problem than misunderstanding!” Takumi laughed it off, gave Kaoru a quick smile that he nervously mirrored. Not saying much, Kaoru lifted the glass and took a big gulp, then leaned back in the chair waited if Takumi would speak up or-  
No, of course not. It was none of a matter anymore. Light-heartedly he joked with Toshiya and Kaoru was thankful that issues were none of a matter this night anymore.  
Though, maybe one issue he had to face. Later the night, when they were hitting the road again and everyone was in their bunk beds, Kaoru brushed his teeth, washed his face and even used floss. As he threw the used flossing in the bin, he saw a little piece of toilet paper wrapped around a plaster that had been soaked up from blood. Letting out a tired sigh, Kaoru decided it was for the better for everyone to not see this too, and so he put some more wrapping and other trash over it, hoped that no one would now come in and see him messing with the garbage.

Kaoru didn’t much address his concerns about Kyo’s various wounds, even if they were getting more. Once again, maybe it was just a bad timing, maybe there was something in his private life that bugged him. As long as it wouldn’t affect their performance Kaoru was okay.  
Actually, Kaoru was very much not okay with it. He didn’t want to see Kyo hurting himself like this but as long as he found a way to let these feelings out… Kaoru had to accept the ways Kyo did it.

And so, Kaoru didn’t speak about it, and Kyo kept on hurting himself while being hurt and the tour was soon over.  
Somehow Kyo was thankful that he would find some peace of mind when he wouldn’t have to face Kaoru. Happy Kaoru, to be precise. Because he knew it would never be him, why Kaoru was happy. As much as Kyo was glad for the leader to be pulled out of his negativity, it hurt knowing who caused this pull.

Not seeing each other for some time until the next tour was about to start, was probably the most relieving part. Wasn’t it for seeing Takumi more.  
The two musicians found themselves in Kaoru’s studio room, musing about some colab they would love to make one day if their time would allow. Takumi played on the little keyboard Kaoru finally got on Takumi’s recommendation, showed him a few neat features it had that made composing easier and faster. And Kaoru played the guitar along, picked some bits and pieces, smiled with some sort of comfort he hadn’t felt in a long time.  
How this would be, if his bandmates had the same kind of comforting presence? How their music would sound then?  
Kaoru couldn’t help but imagine sitting down with Kyo, talking about what was troubling him, Kyo opening up about his fears and –  
“Hey… is everything alright?” Kaoru gasped for air, hadn’t realised that he pretty much stopped playing and almost forgot that he wasn’t alone as his mind drifted off.  
“Uh, sorry…” Kaoru waved it off and offered Takumi an apologetic smile.  
“What concerns you?” Takumi asked with a voice so soft, Kaoru wished he could imitate if he’d ever had the guts to face Kyo.  
Kaoru put the guitar aside, pretty much admitted silently that he wasn’t up for making music as long as some things were so present on his mind. Taking the admission, Takumi sat across from Kaoru, placed one hand on his knee as some comfort and support.  
“Kyo.” It spilled over Kaoru’s lips faster than he could even form a whole sentence. He didn’t even know how to put his concerns in one sentence when it came to Kyo. There was so much that left him in puzzles. Did he hurt himself for stage performance or were those wounds real, from real feelings? And who caused those feelings, was there a way to ease it? Why didn’t he use his voice to channel those feelings or was it too much that even screaming out those nasty feelings wasn’t enough?  
Takumi hummed, tilted his head and then whispered, that ‘Kyo’ was sure diverse and as every human, everyone perceived other things more prominent than others. What was pretty much another way of saying ‘we both know what you’re talking about but please state something specific to start with’.  
Kaoru let out a frustrated groan, already regretted saying anything, ran his hands over his face.  
“Sometimes I feel like…” he looked up to Takumi, who was so present, so there and so unchangeable and strong.  
“Like he’s slipping away from me?” Kaoru looked down in his own hands that were resting on his lap, so lifelessly. That was, how he felt towards Kyo. He couldn’t do anything? If he’d walk up to him and talk, what would he even say? He wasn’t so well versed like Takumi, and he wasn’t so light and soft hearted like Toshiya, and he wasn’t so neutral and such a good listener like Shinya, and he couldn’t joke and lift up the mood like Die. All Kaoru could do, was play the guitar.  
Was that enough?  
Kaoru looked up to Takumi, if he could read his mind and tell him this was enough for Kyo to stay. Slowly Takumi took Kaoru’s hands in his, felt his trembling, gave them a soft squeeze: “Is there something you want to do? Do you want to do something?”  
Kaoru let his grace fall down on their hands. Could he also offer Kyo this kind of support one day? Because right now, being held by Takumi like this was all the support he needed to take a deep breath and get his mind a bit right again.  
“If it would help, I’d like to do something.” Kaoru admitted then, lifted a corner of his lips sarcastically. He wasn’t even sure if it was actually okay to confront Kyo about issues that were none of Kaoru’s business. Maybe he just… wanted him to know?  
“Then, that’s something to figure out first?” Takumi smiled. And as always he gave Kaoru some start, something to begin the work. Kaoru snickered softly, took another deep breath and squeezed Takumi’s hands, thanked him.  
“So, is there anything I can help you now?” and once again Kaoru looked down, where Takumi’s thumb ran softly over his knuckles. He didn’t know how to address, that this was enough already, that it was more than he ever thought could get. And being it offered so freely, GIVEN so openly and without wanting something back-  
“You don’t have to tell me…” Takumi whispered, lifted one hand to tuck some strands out of Kaoru’s face, see what was going on in the so quiet man.

Where Kaoru found himself unable to express his needs directly, Kyo was face forward. He had called three times already, was sure Kaoru was awake. Why didn’t he pick up then?  
To go so far and call Takumi… never in his life would Kyo do this. He still was much too suspicious as much as he tried to LIKE him because he was in fact a great help.  
But he was also holding Kaoru back from spending more time with them. They had been discussing this and that and whatnot over the past weeks when Kyo had thought they would talk about the idea of a mini album.  
Having misplaced his key to the studio was already bad enough, and then to call anyone else than Kaoru who probably was the person most likely to understand… no way.  
Once more Kyo clicked on the call button, tried to get Kaoru. In vain.

Kaoru called back, hours later. And when he did call back, Kyo had almost no voice anymore, was so tired and done, that he didn’t much care for any more words that were in vain to speak out loud anyway.  
Would he ever see? Would he ever know and understand how much Kyo needed him?  
Today had been horrible. After going back home and making his outside look as nasty as he felt on the inside Kyo felt so small and needy, wanted to be held by someone who wouldn’t ask question. Maybe the only person he could entrust with this so humiliating wish was Kaoru. Because he never asked, probably also didn’t care.  
Instead of asking him for practically cuddling, how awful and loathsome of a wish from an adult man, he asked casually if he could come over and discuss Kyo’s ideas for their next single.  
“Can this wait ‘til tomorrow for studio?” Kaoru asked, hoped this would be okay after basically ignoring his colleague all day. Kaoru had been checking on the tour bus, talking with their manager about merch and goods production, if everything was in time for their next lives. He rather wanted to concentrate on the things that needed mending instead of getting his head full with stuff that could also wait for a later time when their most recent tour would be done. It was also a good chance to take up more ideas and include them in their next works. Sometimes, planning too far ahead also wasn’t the best way of handling things.  
“Sure, sorry. It’s late already anyway.” Kyo shrugged it off but it nagged on him as he knew that Kaoru wasn’t early to go to bed and would be up for some more hours. What was it that made Kaoru retreat like that? Kyo wasn’t even requesting private time but his issue was of a professional matter. Of course he was aware that he did ask FOR private time, that Kaoru was of course allowed to spend in whatever way he wanted.  
And with whom he wanted.  
Why couldn’t Kyo be that person he wanted to see some more? Sure, yes, they had seen each other so much over the course of the past, what… 15 years by now? Ever since they worked together in La:Sadie’s.  
“Then, goodnight? See you tomorrow.” With that they ended their phone call, Kyo not really having a good night.

All day, all following days of rehearsal until their next tour was about to start, Kyo felt weirdly held at distance by Kaoru. Whether it was, by leading their conversations and cutting short too much of new ideas, or by simply not giving an answer or shrugging his shoulders, saying that was something ‘he’d think about later’. Whenever this later would be.

By now, Kyo didn’t much care to take a break. If Kaoru didn’t let him speak up, then he’d make use of his voice in a different way. So he basically locked himself up in the recording booth, sang and screamed, put all his feelings into the songs, he even dug up old ones, blurted them as loud as he could until his voice failed him and he was forced to take a nap.

Kaoru didn’t much comment on that either, as he found him some days later, Kyo being caught up in some self-destructive phase where he once again felt words of old songs so present and so demanding, that he hated, ever putting them out there for other people to hear. Sometimes he wished he would have never said them, never given them away. Something so wicked in Kyo wanted to take some of those words back. They never would make it to the person he needed to hear them. What was their meaning, if they were unheard and unresponded anyway?

Why don’t I just tell him – why should he tell him, when he told the whole fucking world already?  
By now, Kyo wouldn’t even mind anymore if Kaoru just called the ambulance to drag his body away because he couldn’t stand seeing him anymore. He understood, Kyo didn’t want to look at himself either. He was ugly, everything about him was ugly. His feelings, the most.

“Why don’t you tell him?” Takumi frowned, filled Kaoru’s glass and closed the lid of the bottle. Once again on this evening Kaoru let out a too heavy sigh, hoped he would feel a bit better with some wine downed and some soft music.  
“And what, mind you, should I say?” Kaoru asked rather rhetorically, earned a bland look from Takumi. Kaoru huffed amused, then said, Kyo wouldn’t listen anyway.  
“He will listen to your concerns. You are important to him.” Takumi sighed then and decided it was enough for tonight and he wanted their evening to end in a calm and settled manner. And so he lifted his wine glass, waited for Kaoru to do the same.  
“As if I’m important to someon-“  
Kaoru couldn’t even finish his sentence as Takumi almost jumped up and leaped over to him, pressed his lips against Kaoru’s to silence him.  
“No more words of self-hatred in this house!” he hissed against Kaoru’s lips before he kissed them again. Kaoru’s heartbeat sped up as he felt those too soft lips against his, tasted ginger from the tea Takumi was drinking to soothe his throat. The winter months with heating turned up everywhere always left him with a too dry throat.  
As Takumi retreated again to finally start eating and get a gulp of the wine he had brought along to Kaoru’s, something in Kaoru waited. He waited, didn’t know what for. Some more words maybe, some more words spoken in vain because he didn’t want to hear them anyway. But he wanted to hear them, wanted to hear him say something like ‘you are important to me’ or ‘your words are important to Kyo’.  
But nothing came and so Kaoru could only imagine how those words would sound if Takumi spoke them. Of course he was important to Takumi, and Kaoru knew this.

“Why don’t you tell him?” Die squealed and stared at Kyo, was almost angry at how long he had been beating himself up with not telling Kaoru that he basically felt like his throat was set on fire. It wasn’t the first time he had a bad inflammation and he had already taken care to not make it worse. After all he couldn’t let him down like this, he couldn’t let the band down like this!  
Just because he was jealous of Takumi spending so much time with Kaoru. He wasn’t taking him away anyway! But somehow, it made Kaoru less available for spontaneous working or idea exchange. Kyo wasn’t used to wait until the next morning for a reply when he sent him a message in the evening.  
Like a clockwork, no replies after eight in the evening. Kyo could only nod and understand that Takumi wouldn’t be that fond of Kaoru being glued to work until late in the night. He deserved some rest too and uninterrupted time together. After all, Takumi knew their tight schedule when on tour so of course he wanted to make use of the time they still were rehearsing.

It also didn’t help as they were on tour again, Kyo being closer to Kaoru, having chances of talking with him. But he held back, saw Kaoru smiling and chatting with Takumi when he joined them for technical support.  
It hurt, by now it only hurt seeing Kaoru this happy, knowing it wasn’t because of Kyo and also knowing it WAS Kyo who caused Kaoru headache and sleepless nights.

The first lives had passed by in a haze. Kyo was sleeping, on stage, somewhere changing clothes, patching up a fresh wound, avoiding Kaoru, glaring holes in Takumi’s back, staring more holes in the floor underneath him, napping, eating, throwing up, crying and shaking and then singing again. Screaming all of his feelings out there.  
Hoping, praying Kaoru would feel them with the same intensity as they had taken over Kyo.

Quite much in the middle of their tour, somewhere in January, Takumi sat down next to Kyo, offered him a cup and some ginger tea with honey he had made to help him soothe his throat. Kyo’s voice sounded off since the last four lives already and Takumi didn’t want Kaoru to be angry or that Kyo would hurt himself when it was so easy to help a bit with some natural things.  
Silently Kyo took the cup, nodded and gulped down some of the tea. It tasted like heaven, was warm and sweet and so soothing that Kyo couldn’t help but chuckle and then cry. The arm around his shoulder was even warmer and softer than any embrace Kyo had ever gotten in the past years.  
“You don’t have to speak.” Takumi whispered, swayed Kyo a bit, squeezed his shoulder as he spoke: “And you also don’t have to hurt yourself like this. You ARE seen, your feelings ARE heard.”  
Did he know? Did Takumi know how madly Kyo was craving for Kaoru? It was so wrong to be held by the man whom he was so jealous of, who had exactly what Kyo longed for. And he was good, so good. How could Kyo actually project so much hatred on Takumi, just because he was, what made Kaoru happy? Shouldn’t he be happy, for Kaoru? That apart from all their pain and hurt those two people found each other?  
Cruel and vile sobs filled the space around them and all Kyo could do was give in and let it all out and be held by Takumi. At least, he now knew how safe Kaoru felt with Takumi.

“Hey, you… um, got a moment to talk?” Kaoru’s voice was low, there was rejection and clear aversion swinging with his question as he addressed Kyo in the changing room. As it was a larger venue they all had their own changing rooms. Kyo let him in nevertheless, knew that this talk would happen sooner or later. And now, he wished it would happen later as his voice was so raspy and his throat was burning so much that he feared Kaoru would scold him if he would talk. He might better shut up, it would be interesting listening to what Kaoru was about to say anyway.

Kaoru closed the door behind him as he entered, then looked around and decided to lean against the counter where Kyo still had some of his stuff laying displayed.  
“Takumi told me about your voice, that you… didn’t feel good today.” He started.  
And that was all he said and all he had to say. Kyo huffed out in disgust and frustration, wanted to send him away right with that again.  
Shaking his head, he spit out: “Takumi told you?!”  
Because he didn’t see himself? Because Kaoru didn’t address him but his PARTNER or whatever the fuck was going on between them, did?  
Kaoru pursed his lips, stared on the floor. He had been helping Die change the strings on his guitar as that happened apparently. Of course he didn’t check on Kyo during setting up the stage as he looked tired and went to take a nap. Of course he didn’t check because he didn’t want to CONTROL him or seem controlling. Now, he wished he would be that control freak Shinya sometimes called him out for.  
Because Kaoru knew. He saw it, heard it, noticed it and knew it all. But he didn’t know why, what to do, IF he could do something. If HE could do something or someone else, if there was actually a person Kyo trusted enough to get help.  
“I can hear that your voice is not in the best condition.” Kaoru stated and glanced back at Kyo, tried to sound as natural as possible. He didn’t want to scold Kyo or sound angry that he had some troubles, wanted him to take proper care. Being ill was nothing shameful, Kaoru just wanted to know how to take the stress away from the vocalist.  
“What is up with you?!” Kyo screamed back – he tried screaming, his voice failed him so much that is was only a gruesome caw that made it over his lips.  
“That I would like to know from you.”

And as ever so often, all those bottled up things, all his rage and hurt and pain and frustration and jealousy and loneliness burst out of him in one go.  
“That promise? It drives me mad. Maybe I don’t really want you in that way and I crave you for exactly NOT being able to be close with you.”  
Kaoru didn’t interrupt, gave his best to take up all words Kyo managed to voice with his sore throat and that he finally spilled instead of keeping it all locked away in his inside, painting his outside with.  
“And now you see Takumi and all I want to do is run away because I promised you – “  
Kyo sank down on the chair, buried his face in his hands and cried as he couldn’t even hold this all back anymore: “And I want you, maybe I even love you, I don’t know, but all I know is that I don’t know… I don’t know if you actually KNOW how much this is …in me.”

“Kyo.”  
He couldn’t even cry anymore, his mind was racing as he tried to realise what he had all said in the past few minutes that he had locked away from anyone for so many years. And it all came out in a fit of jealousy and hurt.  
Kaoru pulled on Kyo’s hands, tried to make him look at him as he kneeled down in front of him. It was all he could do, hold his hands as Takumi had also done some time ago and it had felt so calming for him, that he hoped it would also feel like this for Kyo now.  
“Have you… forgotten what I did?” Kaoru whispered fearfully, could very much remember this promise they had given each other so many years ago. Kaoru hadn’t forgotten about it, and he knew, Kyo too wouldn’t forget it.  
“Or did you try to ignore it, as much as I have apparently ignored… some things.”

Some time ago, maybe even a year or two ago, they had shared a changing room. Nothing grand with that, nothing uncommon. But the heat that had spread in Kaoru’s body when he accidently found himself staring at Kyo through the mirror as the vocalist changed. Kaoru’s stares had been unnoticed but Kaoru could notice the change in his own world. How attracted he felt towards his colleague all of a sudden. Or wasn’t it all of a sudden but always there, subliminal floating around?  
From that moment on, Kaoru gave his all to ignore this, talked himself out of it. It was just a mere physical crush, right? He wasn’t even attracted to men in the sense of wanting a relationship or anything more than physical.  
And then there came Takumi and with him the realisation that a real relationship could work and that there could be more than only sex. But Takumi and Kyo were so different in so many ways, not even physical ones! Kaoru didn’t even have a ‘type’, he didn’t even know what a type was!

“Your past doesn’t change the way I feel about you…” Kyo whispered, held his eyes close to not see those eyes, that saw everything usually. He didn’t want to grant Kaoru that much. He didn’t want him to see this pain.  
Kaoru huffed, then muttered that he hadn’t told Takumi because he knew it WOULD change the way he’d feel about him.  
“Even if he deserves to know, to love all of you one day… you two are good together.” Kyo smiled. He could only smile because it was true, they were good for each other.  
“Don’t say this…” Kaoru muttered, squeezed Kyo’s hands at the words he said. They weren’t that far in their relationship or whatever was about to build up between them. It was still so fresh and new and now there was Kyo, finally addressing what was hurting him so much and Kaoru couldn’t even do anything as much as he wanted to do something.  
“Don’t say this when you feel that way about me…” Kaoru whispered. Right now, he pretty much couldn’t care about Takumi or anyone else, or the band. Because right now, he had to process the fact that Kyo was feeling something about him despite the fact of what he had done. Why wasn’t he disgusted? Kaoru was disgusted by himself!  
“Kyo… I can’t break this promise, as much as I want to right now… trust me, it’s… I can’t break a promise, because then I won’t be able to keep any other promises and that I can’t do. And I can’t betray Takumi either, he doesn’t deserve this and you the least. And I know he deserves honesty, so please… please…”  
“I know.”  
Kyo’s hands turned in Kaoru’s, cupped his cheeks as he leaned forward and put his lips on Kaoru’s forehead. It was all he could do and he hoped it was accepted.

Kaoru found himself walking back and forth in his mind. He revisited memories he had locked away for so long, that they didn’t even feel real anymore or like his own. Surreal, if he now thought about them and then looked at Takumi who laid comfortably next to him, head resting on Kaoru’s chest.  
Just as Kaoru thought he wanted to say something Takumi looked up to him, lifted one hand and traced over Kaoru’s nose, lips.  
“Where are you tonight?” he smiled. Kaoru mirrored the smile but closed his eyes, didn’t want Takumi to know that this smile wasn’t honest.  
“Revisiting portions of my past.” Kaoru stated. At least he could be honest with this.  
“Not a good part?” Kaoru felt the shift as Takumi got up and took a proper seat next to him. Fearfully Kaoru gasped as the source of warmth was gone and then decided to better sit up too and give the situation some deserved seriousness.  
“Neither, not good, but I’m not sure if it’s that bad either.” He stated truthfully. The nights he found Kyo in the kitchen, eating some left-overs of whatever Kaoru had created from scrap, those had angered him in the moment it happened. Mostly annoyed actually. Such nights hadn’t happened ever since but sometimes, some odd part in Kaoru, he would leave the pot on the kitchen counter and not put in the fridge even if he wasn’t someone to get up in the middle of the night for some snacks. But that half year living together with Kyo, it had left traces in him that were inerasable.  
“You don’t want to talk about them?” Takumi more the less stated the obvious, his question though offered Kaoru the chance to speak up, to voice his feelings.  
“Sorry… I’m not that good with words…” Kaoru’s excuse. That was, why he was the guitarist of the band. He used the music to express what was going on in him rather than words and usually Takumi was okay with this ever since they started dating some months ago. Even before he wouldn’t say much and Takumi hadn’t cared about the silent nature, found it intriguing and interesting in its own way how Kaoru would communicate with him and also with his colleagues. Kaoru had his own ways to let the people around him know what he wanted them to know and by not using words, there was even more intimacy between him and them. In order to understand him, one had to know Kaoru to fully understand the extent of his statements.  
Takumi should have seen earlier and now it all aligned.

A past, Kaoru held onto and clearly refused to talk about. A present, he actively spoke up about Kyo. And it also was a present he actively refused to speak WITH Kyo.  
Takumi should have known earlier.  
“You don’t have to tell me, you know?”  
It was the second time someone so close to Kaoru said those words but this time Kaoru heard the demand in the words spoken. Takumi wouldn’t force him to speak up but he wanted Kaoru to speak up himself. That he wouldn’t have to ask again and again for some words he longed to hear. Takumi and Kaoru were the same, longed for words none of them spoke out loud.  
“Kaoru- “ Kaoru shook his head quickly, eyes fluttered shut as he waved it off and muttered it was about Kyo.  
“I know.”  
Kaoru opened his eyes again, looked at Takumi and waited, waited what he was about to say. Did he know? Did Kyo talk with him? Did Kyo tell him what Kaoru had done to earn money before they were a bit of a bigger name in the music scene?  
“What did he say?!” Kaoru frowned immediately, brought some more space between them. He didn’t want to touch Takumi in any way right now, felt a burning heat inside of him. Shame ate him up faster than he could play any riff.  
“Nothing?” Takumi snorted confused, then sighed and took Kaoru’s hand. There was so clearly something between those two and the more this evening proceeded, the more Takumi realised some things that had been hidden along the lines like all the times Kyo stood on stage but didn’t sing the full lyrics.  
Everyone knew, but they decided to keep this to themselves.  
“You two don’t have to say it to make it clear.” A last time Takumi squeezed Kaoru’s hand before he let go again and got up from the couch. The movie they had been watching was forgotten, the end credits rolled over the screen.  
“Give yourself a chance. It’s worth it.”  
Once more this week, Kaoru felt warm lips on his forehead and then heard a silent good night coming over Takumi’s lips before he went out of Kaoru’s house and he hoped, that Kaoru would accept himself one day in the same way as he accepted Kyo.

Kaoru didn’t much have to say anything and Kyo pretty much couldn’t say anything.  
When Kyo woke up from the surgery he had to undergo not even a few days after their last live of the tour, the doctors had given him the strict rule to not talk straight away and keep it short. The more awkward it was, as their vocalist, to sit quietly in bed and have his bandmates make conversation. They weren’t much here to entertain him or sugar coat the situation as they were here to see if he really didn’t talk and was following the recovery plan his doctor had given him.  
Their awkward blabbering though made Kyo smile and realise that he hadn’t given them enough hard time with backing vocals as they all struggled so much to speak apparently. It was in some way entertaining.  
Their roadies also came along of course as Kaoru had asked if Kyo was alone in a room, and as he was and that room was now quite stuffed. Even their manager, Tommy, showed up and said his well wishes. Takumi also was here for some time to check on Kyo and he didn’t much mind as much as he was grateful to feel all their support.

One after the other said his good bye and soon Kyo found himself with only his two guitarists left. Die lifted his eyebrows as it was late anyway and patted on Kaoru’s shoulder before he hesitated for a second and then decided a hug was okay, even if it was weird and they were adults and all that? Die didn’t care, he wanted to hug Kyo and so he did.  
“See ya tomorrow!” Die waved at them a last time and closed the door behind him, left them alone.  
“Tomorrow?” Kyo whispered. He was allowed a bit and that he had spared for Kaoru.  
“Rehearsal!” Kaoru huffed with feigned motivation, then laughed as it seemed so obscure. They didn’t even know how long Kyo’s recovery process would take and right now they couldn’t even tell if he was able to hold any notes at all. But that didn’t mean that they would idly sit on their asses. Well, maybe yes, for some days. They all needed a little break and go on holidays, let inspiration come more naturally instead of forcing themselves to do something just for the sake of doing anything. This accident pretty much took a lot of pressure from Kaoru as he could really look for this new sound they had been pursuing for some time already.  
“I’m gonna go to the studio then and…” Kaoru rubbed his nose, thought about his words. He didn’t want to sound – :”And get your things. But in… I mean like… take care of them, not get you OUT there!”  
He laughed over his own words. Of course they wouldn’t throw Kyo out of the band! Kaoru just wanted to make sure that the clothes Kyo had left in the locker got washed and if there was some food in the fridge or other stuff, to take care of.  
Kaoru sighed, wasn’t used to not getting a verbal reply. So he got up and sat down next to Kyo, hoped he wasn’t too intrusive now.  
“You know… there’s something about you, that makes me want to break every promise.” Kaoru whispered, placed his hand over Kyo’s that laid so neatly folded on the cover.  
“Because I broke myself so many times over all the years.” A soft squeeze came as response, Kyo’s way to encourage Kaoru to keep on talking, and that he did: “I broke myself in little pieces, for everyone to only get what they wanted or needed.”  
“Takumi?” Kyo asked and got a nod as reply, then a muttered ‘but that’s also a thing of the past now’.

For some time they sat there, holding each others hands, staying in a farther away past where they had been this close once. Kaoru looked up to Kyo, saw sweat glancing on his forehead. Quickly he let go with one hand, wiped over Kyo’s forehead with his fingers, picked some hair away.  
“You want to drink something? Do you need anything?” Kaoru asked, voice so soft as it hadn’t been in years when he addressed Kyo. Kyo gulped as he heard the CARE in Kaoru’s voice, heard the closeness, and as much as he really did want to drink, he was so surprised that Kaoru actually noticed this need, that he couldn’t help but let go of that sob that stuck in his throat.  
“Hey there… I’m here. I’m here… come, drink something.” Kaoru whispered, lifted the glass with a straw up to Kyo, watched him gulp down, muttered words of comfort and praise. It was good that he drank, was important for his body. And that, that was important for Kaoru, that Kyo took care of his needs.  
“What do you need Kyo?” Kaoru asked, put the almost empty glass aside, was ready to get up and refill it if he needed more water or painkillers or anything. Hell, if Kyo would have said he wanted a cold tea from Star Bucks, Kaoru would have leaped out of that hospital at the speed of light and got it for him – if he was allowed to have it, to say.  
But Kyo’s request was of a different nature even if he knew he could get anything right now, there was nothing that he really wanted or needed apart from the very man who was sitting there, right by his side.  
“Can you hold me?”  
Kaoru almost gasped, then got out of his shoes and leaned back on the mattress, laid down next to Kyo. He didn’t even know if this was alright or what Kyo wanted, but he did exactly, what Kyo had done with Kaoru when he had found him, on the verge of giving up on everything and himself.  
“Everything, I can’t lose you, didn’t I promise?” Kaoru whispered, a smile showed up on his face as he felt Kyo nuzzling against his chest.

It was a promise, that wouldn’t break, and that was the thing about Kaoru.

“How about, tonight you show me, and I tell you.”

A gasp flees Kyo’s mouth at the confrontation with this task. He wants nothing more than to go to bed and wake up by the next month.  
But he finds himself getting up and walking over to their couch in the living room. He’s okay with Kaoru guiding him. If he’d opted for the bedroom, going the hallway down, then Kyo would for sure make use of that little too much time to close up enough again to bottle up his feelings for a later moment in solitude.

Unwatched by Kaoru, but never unnoticed and still left uncommented. Because what for twist the knife in the wound if that wound was very real and very much there already.

Kyo sits down and feels so heavy all of a sudden. So overwhelmed by how or where he should start. Where does Kaoru want him to start?

“Where should I… should I start?” Kyo asks and looks at Kaoru as if his eyes alone would offer him an answer. Kyo knows that Kaoru doesn’t mind long talks. What mostly is, others talking and Kaoru listening.  
He’s a good listener, so Kyo is okay as he proposes to start at what he sees as beginning.

And Kyo’s beginning is quite much the beginning of where he found his least liked emotion he has connected towards Kaoru.  
Unavailability.

It comes in diverse forms by now, especially since smartphones and SNS have been on the rise. The piercing moment of jealousy that bolts through Kyo when Kaoru answers a message in the early morning hours that came flying in during their night rest. What could possibly be that important, that Kaoru can’t even wait until they’d sit down for breakfast and both catch up on that.  
Together, in solitude.

This kind of solitude is, what Kaoru has taken and also offered. When Kyo expressed his wish, to find a different, music-based, outlet, Kaoru had been the most supportive with being the least active supportive.  
He had watched him scream at the phone, waiting until he’d be confident enough to ask Takumi himself if he was up for an idea. Kaoru had found it important that every step was Kyo’s and for that, he is now thankful. Kaoru had offered him to make it his own.

Takumi, he is a milestone in Kyo’s beginning, or somewhere in the middle. He is more Kaoru’s beginning.

And there’s other people, that fuelled Kyo’s fire, still do in some wicked way.  
And there’s so many other things where Kyo felt so insecure about when all he needed was safety and a little bit closure.

Kaoru watches him, spots the places with ease on Kyo’s body, where those people or moments had left their marks. By now, there’s only faint vestiges underneath tattoos. Kaoru knows their places anyway. And now, also their stories.

Kyo closes his eyes as he finishes, hadn’t thought he’d once again had to use so many words. But they weren’t assembled nicely like those in his song texts. There is nothing nice about the truth, when it had been hurting him so much.  
Cautiously Kyo takes Kaoru’s hands and lays them over a spot on his chest. Both know about the circumstances underneath, what is written on Kyo’s outsides, what had been written on his insides so long.  
The memory washes over the vocalist like cold rain, numbing. Once, this had been a fire that wanted to eat him alive and Kyo ripped apart his skin, as if he could get it out of his body. Blood and tears seeped out, words spilled over his lips and he had hoped, Kaoru would see, one day, would hear, one day.

“All those words I repeated so often, they have lost their meaning. The only thing that stays and is true and the evidence of me still being alive… are those nasty scars here.” Kyo whispers.  
He feels Kaoru’s hand retreating from his chest, but only for him to cup Kyo’s cheek. A shameful tear, wiped away with affection Kyo had only been allowed to dream of for many years.

“How about, tonight you show me, and I tell you.”  
A tug on the hem of Kyo’s shirt. Without hesitation he slides it off, feels Kaoru’s small hand on his shoulder, pressing him back into the couch to rest.  
And so they lean back, Kaoru’s hand gliding over the now exposed skin. He knows every bump, every line, every crease and every spot. The tattoos may hide Kyo’s past from nasty looks, but Kaoru knows his body. Like a relief painting; he traces one line, a cut that hadn’t worried him in particular when he saw it, but the ‘why’ had him worried and left with questions for too many years.

Kyo takes Kaoru’s hand, guides it to a place, he wants to start. He lets Kaoru get to know this one spot. His fingers draw circles, almost soothing, then he settles in, gently.

“Here, I wanted to tell you, so badly I thought I would lose my mind. I knew you didn’t want me in that way back then. You weren’t into guys, right? That’s what I was left believing for so many years. So many years, I screamed my feeling out, denied them to everyone and you, and still… I hoped you’d hear me. At least, that you’d maybe one day accept my feelings, if you wouldn’t return them.”

Kyo doesn’t notice the shift as Kaoru leans up and bends over. Along with a shy kiss, some tears place themselves on Kyo’s skin.  
“I love you.” the words bleed out of Kaoru.

Something in Kyo releases. He gasps for air, feels the fire roaring up in his insides. That fire, that he thought he had long lost. He can’t stop himself from holding tight on Kaoru’s shoulder. As if he’d run away now.

Again. Kyo presses his eyes shut, fights down his urge to cry and let everything that starts bubbling up out. So, he guides Kaoru’s hands to the next place, notices him flinching away shortly, then rest his thumb over the scar. It’s an old one, faint by now, but it was deep and ugly and Kyo’s feeling were deep and ugly back when he tried to release them with cutting his skin open.

“When I realised I get off from men.” He huffs out, sarcastically amused. He felt wrong, wanted to quit the band. None of his colleagues was gay and he was already the odd one, didn’t want to stand out even more. And he feared, feared that one day the leader would find out about his nasty preference, would call him a weirdo and discard him without batting an eye.  
Still, this fear sits deep with Kyo. The reason, why they never celebrate anything together or go out in public together. Because when Kyo drinks, he wants to be hold by Kaoru, feels so small and needy and he doesn’t want to feel small and needy and he doesn’t want others to know how small and needy he is in reality. And because when Kaoru drinks, he does it so he won’t go any further, won’t say some stupid cheesy shit like –  
“I love you.”

No Future – Kaoru stretches his hand, hides the lettering that is still faintly noticeable when one would stand too close to Kyo. By now, only Kaoru is allowed so close.  
“Nothing made sense anymore.” Kyo resigns. There were so many moments he felt like he had no future. Even now, he doesn’t see himself offered a chance by life.  
Maybe, the only chance he always had, was Kaoru, even if he was also the one thing that broke him each and every day for so many years.  
“I realised pretty much around that time, that I have no heart anymore. I gave it to you. My words started to lose their meaning and all I wanted to do was scream and that I did. And even then, I lost my voice.”

Kaoru’s hand slides further up to Kyo’s chest, turns him on his side so he faces him. With just enough force to make it unmistaken, he pulls Kyo close, so close, their hearts almost align in a tight embrace.

There was still something in Kyo, a little last remnant, and Kaoru took that up with his gentle hands. He started nursing it, mending it, all those broken parts. Somehow, over years of silence and too loud words, he put them back together, a new, with his own will engraved between the edges.  
What had been lost over time and was irrecoverable, Kaoru hadn’t tried to replace or fill, knew this was not, what Kyo would want or need in the end.  
Because, in the end, it was only him alone, who had to live with this heart of his. If he loved Kaoru truly or not, he didn’t care at that point.

And Kaoru doesn’t care now, as Kyo once again holds onto him as if he is a lifesaver and Kyo is lost on the vast sea of his memories. Kaoru also doesn’t care as Kyo breaks down and apart in his arms.  
“I love you.” Kaoru says again and finally gets a response that sounds much more like Kyo: What?!”  
He snorts and tucks some hair out of Kyo’s face so he can see the smile on Kaoru’s face as he says it again, so casual, as if it is no big deal.  
“I love you, you heard me right.” Kaoru whispers, now that he has Kyo’s attention, there is no need to speak so loud.  
“I should say it more often, so that you maybe one day remember my words.” Kaoru jokes and for a second all Kyo can do is stare at him.

And then it breaks out of him. A laugh, so heavy and so light at the same time, so feeble and so short before tears wash over his cheeks again.  
Soothingly Kaoru pulls Kyo closer again, runs his fingers through his hair as he has done so many sleepless nights already when he laid awake, unsure if he could ever say those words back. They stuck in his throat like embers he was choking on. With every breath taken or stolen by Kyo the flame roared up higher.  
“I know our beginning wasn’t easy. And that in between…? There was a lot going on.” A peck on Kyo’s forehead.  
“And as much as I enjoy our good days, I also like our bad days, and also those, that pass us by.”  
Kyo’s breath is only faintly audible and Kaoru almost fears that he stopped breathing to hear every word that spills his lips.

When Kyo had given his all, every emotion a human was capable of ever feeling, every emotion a human should never have to experience in such intensity, Kaoru had retreated his heart. He feared that same hurt as Kyo experienced.  
Yet, he couldn’t help but have his heart beat at the same pace as Kyo’s, hoping he could catch up to him one day.

“Kyo.”  
Silence. Their hearts beat at the same tact. Their wounds, all those scars and scratches and holes and unloved and neglected things.  
“I will love you for all days that are yet to come. And there aren’t enough tomorrows to come, that I know.”  
“Don’t say it.” Kyo doesn’t even know if he really said those words, if Kaoru heard them, if he is able to use his voice at all in this moment.  
“I’m thankful that you are in my life.”

And Kyo breaks apart all over. Now, he doesn’t mind, knows that he is safe in Kaoru’s arms and that he’ll help him put himself together again. With a devotion that Kyo has never seen in his life and is sure no other human could ever feel for another.

For Kyo, Kaoru is that missing piece in his heart that it takes for it to keep on beating. He is that linking piece, that Kyo had ripped out himself in all his rage and hate.

“I love you.”  
For Kyo.

That’s the thing about Kaoru…


	3. Reprise: Pieces -unplugged-

So long. Sooooo long. Soooooo looooong.  
Kaoru rolled his eyes as he unlocked the door to the studio and let Kyo in with a dismissive glare.  
The vocalist had waited so long. For Kaoru to show up and to finally be allowed to GET vocal again. When he got discharged and taken vocal training his doctor had told him not to overdo in the beginning and to take more breaks. And that, Kaoru had taken very serious.  
When Kaoru entered the studio room he also found the rest of the band sitting idly and very silently around the table, giving Kyo some glances.  
“Why did you lock up?!” Kyo hissed and put his bag on the chair. His chair. His chair that had been vacant and brushed off dust once a week by the others.  
Quickly Toshiya stared off, Shinya looked over to Die and Die shot a glance to Toshiya.  
“Did you lock yourself up in here and NOT LET ME IN?!” now Kyo got louder and Kaoru’s giggling got louder too.  
“Since when have you been waiting in front of a closed door?” Kaoru fluted and took a seat now too, got his papers and calendar out of his backpack.  
“SO LONG!”  
“He tried calling me!” Die whined and looked over to Kaoru helplessly.  
“Why’d you lock up in first place?” Kaoru asked, was amused by their behaviour. They all were eagerly awaiting to get their ideas worked on. There was some high spirit between them and Kaoru couldn’t hide the positive feeling he had, facing all four of them again. It was intimate, close and so real and good.  
“We feared he would overdo. So we locked up when we saw him arrive.” Shinya explained. Toshiya had given him a call yesterday night, expressed his concerns that Kyo would come early probably to rehearse. Or worse, sniff around and stuff his nose in their notes and start off without them. On that, they had bugged Die to come earlier and check on Kyo’s arrival.  
“Do I want to know how long ‘so long’ is in concrete figures?” Kaoru gave them a wry smile and opened his notebook, felt Kyo’s intrusive stare immediately.  
“About one and a half hour.” Die pressed out silently and then quickly excused himself to the toilet as he had been holding back for an hour.  
“Soooooo long.” Kaoru fluted, gave Kyo a mocking glance and then smiled as he spotted a little pout on his lips.  
Almost cute, Kaoru thought as he felt the motivation to go back to work so fast and with such an urge.

Of course things weren’t close near cute when it came to Kyo or their music. But it felt good being back on track. The ‘time-out’ from touring and being on a limited space with so many people was good actually, brought them closer together as band again. Even with one vital part missing, it didn’t much change the fact that they found themselves in a closer bond again.

On a personal view, it also was good for Kaoru and Takumi to not stick together that much even if he joined them a few times or helped Kaoru work out some melodies. Somehow, they didn’t even have to make sure to keep it professional and at one point, both found themselves alone in the studio and there was no discomfort and no closeness and both laughed at first and found it good and okay like this. There was no hurt, that it hadn’t worked out, though, both agreed that it probably would have hurt if they had kept going on with touring and sticking so close as both their process was different. Takumi had found himself missing the intimacy with another human, physical closeness, while Kaoru felt it relieving to not force himself to share work in a private setting as they had done sometimes and more had to mend his thoughts of having misled Takumi. But they had been honest with their feelings towards each other when they happened.

Sometimes, even now, those lines between private life and work blurred. Of course, because they sometimes met up in private or went to the same events. Kaoru didn’t much care anymore to reply to Shinya’s ideas when he sent them around midnight and he forwarded them to Kyo, got an almost immediate reply. As if he had some super loud alarm set when Kaoru would write him, funny somehow, scary too.

As much as Kaoru enjoyed being guilt-free available for the band and his colleagues again, he also felt a change in Kyo, that some topics weren’t available anymore.  
Kyo refrained from specific wording that he had once already used and not because of the boredom of repetition. Their sound had changed too so Kaoru put it in relation with this, but couldn’t help but wonder, if Kyo had any ideas or was uncomfortable with something. On a sound-based matter Kyo never much took part in discussions, just the fine tuning by best. And he also didn’t much interfere in the recording process, had full trust towards his colleagues.  
The more now, this felt off. Partly also, because of Kaoru and his nagging feelings that he had been dishonest with himself and thus also with Takumi.

So, before this would be out of Kaoru’s doing and wedge between them at some point, Kaoru wanted to address this with Kyo. It was a professional matter, so, nothing grand about that, right?

That was at least what Kaoru told himself. When he watched Kyo plunging into their office room, a bunch of papers in his hands, loose, not even put in a folder. Kyo gave him a shy smile, and sat down on the chair.  
“Hi!” almost fearful, so soft and gentle that Kaoru couldn’t help himself but smile and greet him with the same soft voice: “I’m happy to see you.”  
Kyo’s heartbeat doubled at the words. Were they honest? When Kaoru spoke, he was more than sure about his words, would never say anything that hadn’t gone through an hour long thought process, making up pro’s and con’s.  
At least, to Kyo it seemed like this, that Kaoru was someone who placed his words in a meticulous thought-through manner. Never too much, never enough either. For Kyo, he could listen to Kaoru for hours, what he had done when he called him or sent him voice messages, kept him updated about the music and their recording process. Mostly Kaoru did this, because he was tired and pressing one button and babbling his thoughts and ideas into the phone was less work than typing them and seeing the mess black on white.

“Um, I see… you are prepared? What you got there?” Kaoru asked, had already forgotten that HE actually had requested from Kyo to come because he had something he wanted to talk about.  
“Eh, that can wait! What did you want to talk about?” Kyo waved it off, folded his hands over the sheets so Kaoru couldn’t spy.  
“Uh yes.” And there was the loss for words again. He didn’t want to poke around in something he was so unsure of and he also didn’t want to sound intrusive and call Kyo secretive or call him out for holding back? But it felt like that to Kaoru. So he tried to find words, to make it understandable for Kyo: “I was… thinking.”  
And there he stopped again, looked past Kyo’s head as if he was looking for words, little letter or signs, by best neon-signs on the walls, that would help him. He should have written cards, like MC’s had!  
“You think a lot!” Kyo grinned: “Mind, speak?”  
“I feel like you’re holding back? Not voice, god no… not that. But… keeping things to yourself? What is okay of course! Absolutely, if you don’t feel… comfortable sharing them?”  
What was he doing here, actually? He didn’t say anything useful, waited if Kyo was able to pick up the lines and figure out a way to make Kaoru understand.

What he in some weird way did, and pointed on the papers in front of him: “During recovery, I thought about your concepts and that new sound and about the ways I want to put voice into them and I quite much thought I’d go crazy!”  
“Kyo…?” a frown showed up on Kaoru’s face as he heard this: “Do you… want to quit the band?”  
“WHAT? Heck no!” Kyo laughed out and shook his head, bit his lip and then looked up too. Maybe the ceiling didn’t give Kaoru answers, but Kyo needed something neutral to look at.  
“When you gave me this sound… I felt… that a lot of my words didn’t fit, they didn’t do justice. What you, what the four of you managed, to go beyond, even further… it’s so different from what I …. “ Kyo snorted and realised how dumb he actually was.  
“EXPECTED.”  
Kaoru arched an eyebrow, tried to imitate Kyo’s smile.  
“This is something so new and so refreshingly new and there’s been things I want to voice, that don’t fit in this new sound, and I don’t know if I can make them, if my voice is ready for this now. But I want to give them a place. Just not… not here.”  
Kyo shook his head at his own words. His texts he had prepared didn’t do the work of those four musicians any justice but he want to put them in sound.

For some time they both sat there, and just stared at the walls that still didn’t provide either of them any answers.  
“So…” Kaoru was the first to take on the attempt of speaking: “Why not create a place?”  
It seemed as a good option. Kyo had written poem books too already, for the words he didn’t want to speak out loud or were too much for a song and still important for him to have in some sort of work.  
“How?!” Kyo was confused now, how to create a place? How should he do this? Learn an instrument? Again?  
“You want to voice them? On stage or make an audio recording?” Why wasn’t Takumi here actually, he had better ideas, was more of someone who thought out of the box than Kaoru. After so many years of playing in a band-  
Oh, playing in a band, that was also an option.  
“A band.”  
“A band?”  
“Well I can’t give you my band!” Kaoru laughed now as he saw how confused this propose left Kyo. The vocalist quickly pursed his lips and shook his head, snickered then: “But Die seemed about right!”  
Kaoru gasped dramatically for air, threw his hand on his chest and squealed: “Die! You’d chose Die over me!”  
Immediately a piercing fit rushed through Kyo and he almost wanted to reach out for Kaoru. But it was only a joke, only a joke. And Kaoru would be there even by tomorrow.  
Chuckling softly now, Kyo also found himself dumbly in love with Kaoru. Still, unchanged.  
“You’re not an option it seems.” He bit his lip again, knew of course Kaoru would take this in a professional way. He was too occupied by composing music and working on all those faint things that passed by unnoticed by most of them.

But that was the thing about Kaoru, he was able to hold them together somehow. Even if they all were straying off, there was something, that made them all come back. And that was Kaoru.

“Mhh.. I guess I know someone who could assist you on that matter.” Kaoru grinned and took up a pen and demanded from Kyo to slide over some paper.  
Kyo clicked his tongue as he read what Kaoru had scribbled down, shook his head slightly before he murmured, that form all people Kaoru would propose HIM.  
“He can elevate your words in ways I could never.” Kaoru nodded, was more than sure that Takumi was the exact right person for this matter. Apart from all people, he was probably the most professional and open minded one and maybe also, what Kyo needed after channelling so much pain and hardness for so many years into their music.  
“I might give it a shot. But only because it’s YOUR idea.” Kyo more the less gave in and then thanked Kaoru for this option.

The option, Kyo was grateful for, was ungrateful for, despised some nights, hated Kaoru for ever stating, wanted to kiss him for giving him – he wanted to kiss him, so badly, that he even sang about it at some point and he didn’t care if Takumi, or the others, knew or understood and he didn’t care if Kaoru understood.  
But, what he cared a lot, was their first real live that they also wanted to film and where he had invited Kaoru to watch. Takumi was okay with this, of course, felt honoured that Kaoru joined and had expressed his happiness more than once that it almost seemed funny to Kaoru how much they were looking forward to this. Kaoru wasn’t even doing anything but being there!

And being there, watching over them, was all they needed. For Kyo, it felt like it was his chance to properly thank him for this. Sukekiyo wasn’t just an outlet anymore, it was no side-project by now but a real and complete band on its own.  
Still, going back to Kaoru and the others felt like coming home from a secondary residence. As much as he loved to express himself with sukekiyo, as much he needed Dir en grey for his feelings. There were still some negative emotions, fears and insecurities, old scars that he worked up and spoke up about. But he knew that those feelings he couldn’t accept yet, were accepted and kept safe within the other four men.

Kaoru couldn’t much prepare himself for what was awaiting him until it was almost over already. He tried his best to take in everything to give them some feedback – if wanted! But Kaoru found himself staring at Kyo almost all the time, giving the other members little attention.  
Their concert could have never ended, Kaoru was completely engulfed at the sound. Kyo was right when he requested for another way to place those words and Kaoru was happy that he was able to create and evolve this place with his own band.

Just, as Kaoru thought he couldn’t be taken by surprise any more he was confronted with something so deep and old in him, that it almost hurt as he watched Kyo in the spotlight, some faint skin showing from a half-closed shirt.  
Even if he showed it to the whole audience, Kaoru couldn’t help but think he did this only for him. The stage offered him to perform in a way, that was meant for others to see and everyone to interpret by themselves and maybe Kaoru was interpreting too much himself, but he wished that Kyo used the stage tonight to show Kaoru his emotions and even more that he could never offer so openly and unrestricted when it was only between the two of them. The intimacy Kyo had built up between him and the audience was unmatched and felt so personal, that Kaoru wanted nothing more than to go backstage to them and break this stupid promise they had given each other so many years ago.  
Could promises become time-barred or were they just childish blabbering?

As Kaoru was invited to dining out and celebrating the great show, Kyo couldn’t let himself take the chance than take the seat next to Kaoru.  
They didn’t much speak, Kaoru didn’t want to speak up first and shower them in praise as much as he knew that none of them would take it anyway. They all were younger than him and Kyo, well, he never believed Kaoru’s words, why would he now?  
Casually, they all ordered drinks and foods, started light chats until Yuichi was the first to break this weird spell and lifted himself and his glass, spoke out his feelings and his gratitude for their senior and Kyo’s bandmate to have joined them tonight. Everyone raised their glasses, Kyo giggled and Kaoru smiled too.  
Then, it was Mika who got up and talked about the evening and the success of the tour and how far they came already and their future plans and was pretty much interrupted by Uta to stop spilling their magic or Kaoru would steal those ideas.  
So, Kaoru got up and bluntly said he already holds their magic but he is happy to share it as the outcome was fantastic and more artistic than Diru could ever do justice to Kyo’s ideas. A gently squeeze on Kyo’s shoulder followed and Kaoru sat down again, much closer than before.  
“You didn’t have to say this!” Kyo whispered towards Kaoru, felt the alcohol tainting his cheeks. Or maybe it was the praise Kaoru gave them so selflessly.  
“I wanted, deal with it.” Kaoru boldly stated and drank some more, listened to Yuichi talking some more, then Takumi also raised his glass and thanked them all for their work and support and of course also to Kaoru for coming and granting them studio time with Kyo.

Some more stories and compliments were thrown around, some more drinks were downed and the food tasted better than ever now that the tour had come to an end and they were looking forward to some rest and recharging.

At some point, neither Kaoru nor Kyo had paid much attention or taken part in the chats actively, Kyo leaned over to Kaoru. There was not much distance to close anyway, but it still was so much, there still was so much between them and it was eating them up.  
“You got the keys to the studio, yeah?” Kyo asked, got an immediate nod and “why?” back.  
“I wanna go there.” Kyo knew he wasn’t sober and that it might turn out to be a bad idea in the end, but in this very moment it felt right.

Kaoru didn’t bother much to turn on the big lights, didn’t know what Kyo wanted anyway here so he figured, Kyo would do what he wanted anyway without Kaoru taking action.  
Kyo very much but sat down on the long bench, patted to his side and waited for Kaoru to come closer.  
Sitting down next to Kyo, Kaoru held his breath for a moment. If he would now –  
“Play me a song.”  
Usually Kaoru wouldn’t ask Kyo, or anyone, to repeat themselves, but he couldn’t help but gasp: “What?”  
“Play me a song.” Kyo’s voice was softer, not so demanding but with a deep need and vulnerability that he’d never so openly show anyone. He hated to be this small and needy but around Kaoru, he felt okay being like this, too.

Kaoru got up and walked to his equipment. For e-guitar, he’d need too much time preparing and it was too loud and what should he play alone with it? He played together with Die, it would sound off if he’d play alone now.  
Walking back with his acoustic, Kaoru sat down next to Kyo, fidgeted with the pick. Maybe no, picking by hand was more what he wanted to do actually so he placed the pick to his side again and picked around a bit, was lost, then strummed a bit too.

Kyo slid closer as if he wanted to watch closely what Kaoru was doing with his fingers. But for learning to play the guitar, it was much too late and the lights were much too dimmed to recognise anything for a non-guitar player.  
“That’s not one of our songs, or…?” Kyo asked after some while, decided he was much too tired or exhausted or riled up from this whole evening to keep up his posture and leaned onto Kaoru’s shoulder.  
“Mhh, nope.” Kaoru muttered as he strummed some more, felt Kyo’s warm breath on his upper arm. Then, a slight twist, a hot breath against his neck and collarbone. Kyo’s breath streamed steadily over Kaoru’s skin as he kept on playing, followed whatever his mind came up with at the moment. And in that very moment he played whatever he wanted to and wanted to have Kyo hear. He didn’t need Die to play the guitar and he didn’t need much audience to make music when he had Kyo listening to him.  
“X Japan?” Kyo sloppily asked, gulped and slid a bit closer. Much closer wasn’t possible anyway and Kyo was already leaning against half of Kaoru’s back, giving him enough freedom to still be able to play. Kaoru simply shook his head, played some more, let his insecurity mix into it by picking again, pitching higher a bit.  
“hide with Spread Beaver?” Kyo squealed. He didn’t even know one song from them actually, so maybe it was from them as Kaoru was a somewhat hardcore hide fan. But that was cute, actually. A lot of things about Kaoru were cute in the sense of making Kyo’s heart beat faster and flushing his body with a heat he hadn’t felt or wanted to feel for many years.  
“Uh-oh.” Kaoru made another dismissive sound, smiled softly at Kyo’s attempts to figure out what it was.  
“Something new!” it finally clicked in Kyo and his smile grew at the outlook of peeking into some new songs before his bandmates!  
“I guess…” Kaoru finally whispered and then put the guitar aside without breaking the contact between their bodies.  
“Kyo…” with just enough space he turned further towards the vocalist and he didn’t much have to say any more as Kyo slid forward, got on one knee and straddled Kaoru, let himself sink on his lap. He had been waiting too long for this to now hold back.  
Kaoru’s arms closed around his waist, tested how to hold him, how his palms were pressing against Kyo’s silhouette.  
Without hesitation but also not going too fast, Kyo leaned forward to close this last distance. His lips pressed against Kaoru’s and for half of a second or less Kaoru’s reaction came delayed. As if he was giving Kyo the chance to opt out of it, some kind of offer for a revocation. Kyo waited for that short fragment of a second and when Kaoru came to realise that it was okay and wanted, he moved, kissed Kyo back.  
Immediately Kyo’s hands cupped Kaoru’s cheeks while Kaoru’s hands were flowing over Kyo’s back, pulling him closer. A sigh escaped Kyo’s mouth as he opened it to lick over Kaoru’s lips, asked for more. Kaoru wasn’t to object in any way, opened his lips to deepen their kiss.

“We’re breaking that promise…” Kyo managed to whisper between some more too sweet and too hot kisses. Even if he very much made Kaoru realise what they were doing, he had no intention to stop and neither had Kaoru.  
“I guess it’s okay.” Kaoru grinned against Kyo’s lips before he kissed them again, pushed his hips against Kyo’s to show him how attracted he was to him and how much he longed for him.  
There neither was hesitation nor hurry as Kyo pulled on Kaoru’s shirt, let his hands explore the body he had only been allowed tracing with his eyes. A gentle tug on Kyo’s jeans and the button and fly opened faster than Kyo could get his voice ready for a growl. The moan that escaped his lips nevertheless was low and almost animalistic and promising for how vocal Kyo could get.  
For one last moment both men hesitated, shared a smile with each other as they finally gave themselves to each other.

Without breaking their promise, they would have never found out how it felt to be whole.

Kyo opens his eyes again and takes a deep breath. He feels clear, focused. Kaoru’s words echo through his body and like an avalanche they have moved something in him. Finally, all that has been hidden underneath this cold curtain is revealed. All, that Kyo knows anyway was there, is now so clear to see and grasp for him.

He slides on Kaoru’s lap, feels his arms closing around his waist securely. Kyo knows that Kaoru doesn’t hold him tight to hold him in place. He always lets him go and opens his arms when he comes back. Because it’s always been like this.

When Kyo leans forward to kiss Kaoru it feels like the first time he kissed him. He knows what’s awaiting him. The first so feeble moment of hesitation, as if Kaoru is asking if Kyo really wants this, gives him the option to go away again. And then he comes to him, settles in and closes up what Kyo can’t fill. Like two pieces that are made to fit, that once were one and broke apart in two pieces.  
Kaoru’s cheeks fit perfectly in Kyo’s hand as he cups them. Kyo’s spine is a prominent path that forms from the trained muscles, and Kaoru’s finger follow this path, guide Kyo’s body closer with soft pressure.

There is no hesitation as their lips part, a breath shared between two lungs.  
Kyo’s tongue moves forward, greets Kaoru’s halfway in the kiss. The caressing touch on Kyo’s shoulder reflects what his tongue does. Kaoru’s hips tilt forward and Kyo awaits that his body will get pulled closer.  
And Kaoru, he has never broken this promise, and pulls him closer, doesn’t let go of him. Instead, he places his hands underneath Kyo’s bum and lifts up.

The walls pass Kyo in a haze and all he can take in is Kaoru’s taste on his tongue and his lips, his warmth that he radiates so selflessly. Everything about Kaoru seems so selfless when it comes to Kyo that he almost feels bad for TAKING.

Kaoru places them on their bed and Kyo doesn’t much realise that they are still in clothes as he grinds his hips against Kaoru’s until he smiles against Kyo’s lips and Kyo can’t help but smile back at him.

“I love you.” because they hold pieces of each other in themselves and have learned to accept them over the years.


End file.
